Lemme tell you a story. So, I recently got out of some pretty back-to-back bad/abusive relationships and you girls have helped me gain the strength to leave and just be on my own! Love you gals for all your support ♥️

- I'm finding myself 🧘‍♀️

- kicking butt at my full time job 🎨

- working out hard at the gym 🏃‍♀️

- reading and crafting more 📖 🧶

- spending time with sweet cat 🐈

- eating healthy 🥗

and so on!

I've been doing really well and it's been a couple of months living on my own focusing on myself.

Now I have this guy friend (We'll call him Paul) from college who's been hanging out with me more, going to the gym, going on walks in the park with me, etc. We shoot the shit a lot. He mostly hits me up saying, "I want to try this new coffee shop, you in?" kinda stuff. Most of my girl friends have moved to different states or countries, and we keep in touch but I still have a lot of my guy friends that are in the area. Non sexual - I mean, they are attractive but I'd rather be friends than something more.

Anyway, recently I find myself having these crazy dreams about Paul. Last night I had a dream about just simply making out... Ugh, you know that fluttery feeling of just intimately kissing someone? I had a secret crush on Paul in college but I had that rough boyfriend at the time (who ended up cheating on me anyway pfffff, at least I can say I was loyal 😅)

Paul has always been so sweet to me, he was such a good boy in college too - but now that we've graduated he's very delicious 😋 . He got awesome tattoos on his arms, very strong and lifts hard, cute butt 😏 and always smells sooooooo gooooodd. Did I mention he's an identical twin to my friend's boyfriend (we'll call the brother Kevin). It's like Angel & Devil when looking at them together even though they have relatively the same face. Kevin wears colored clothes, very uplifting whereas Paul typically wears all black driving a motorcycle. It's kinda awesome. The twin lives in Colorado with my friend but we all keep in touch.

So these dreams are driving me sexually crazy because Im trying to continue this period of just no relationships. I need no man. I did have to take care of myself a couple of times after these dreams 😩 too hot to handle. His body, his humor, his interests, his everything is just so... UGH. And I don't want to do anything because I dont want my friend to be mad at me because Im trying to be solo. Not that she would but ya never know. Plus... do they have similar penises? 😂 Talk about sharing interests 🤣

Well, so Paul - he's also the kind of guy who wants a traditional relationship (not saying anything is wrong with it! Im just not in a place to settle again) he grew up Christian but he's not so rigid or anything - but he still has the values of if you do a lot of intimate stuff with a girl then you're in a relationship or something haha idk my parents were freebird hippies so Im unfamiliar with Christianity. Basically, I shouldn't kiss him because I would feel like Im not doing right by him. If that makes sense.

I want to respect his values so I behave. Yet sometimes I think, I just want one kiss!! 😂😂 My face heats up when I see him and when we go to the gym together, it's hard not to peek at that tight butt 😏😏🔥

Now, here's another part: One night I was at my parents house visiting and staying over the weekend for Fathers Day. On the Friday night before, I was antsy and wanted to go for a walk. None of my other friends or family were up and I knew Paul stays up pretty late. Paul parents also live nearby coincidentally and he was visiting them too. I asked if he wanted to come for a midnight walk by the river. I wasn't really expecting anything but he said absolutely! So... we walked and because it's my neighborhood we talked about our childhood and we are surprised our paths never crossed until college (which was an hour away from our home towns).

It was a gorgeous night 🌔 light breeze 🌳 warm weather and the fire flies were out ✨

We sat on a pier and looked over the river with the moon reflecting over. Holy damn, it was just such a nice night. Then we heard some animals and I got nervous because have you ever heard a vixen fox screech? I got so spooked I grabbed his leg while looking around. He laughed and put his arm around me. He said, "Nothing to worry about." Once he said that I said "Pheuf!" and scooted back to my spot and he dropped his arm but gently grazed his hand down my back... I could feel my face getting hot but Im glad that it was dark to distinguish color.

We continued to talk and we eventually walked back to the house. Overall, it was a good and relaxing walk. I almost jumped his bones when he did that hand movement down my back, like bruh - ya killin me 😂😂

He went back to his parents and I went inside, took a shower 🧼 and crawled into bed 🛌 but I looked at my phone for a bit. He texted me, saying he had a great time and he's never talked so much, and he finds me the most beautiful/strong/lovely woman he's ever met 🥺💘

I told him my situation, how I find him very attractive but I dont think I can give him what he's looking for. He's known about my bad relationships and I told him how drained I just feel from them - I know he would never do any bad stuff to me but I just don't feel ready to jump into another relationship. I told him that it doesn't mean I dont crave 😩

He completely understood but now we sometimes flirt and tease each other 😏😛

Last night I went overboard 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

I mean, he was drinking with his buddies and I was just hanging out with my cat at my apartment. I sent him a picture of my weird burn on my chest where it's striped red but the rest of me is so pale 😂 I mentioned how I was an integral part of the USA flag 🇺🇸 He said, "If you're a flag, I'll volunteer to be your flag pole" 🤣 bruuuhhh. Then he was flirting hard and mentioned something about needed to 🍆💦 and I said, "wish I was there to swallow your issues 😉" and he responded with, "fuck, this is tough. Never wanted someone so bad in my life 😓"

I sent a funny flirt gif and stopped texting 😳🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

Im so horny Im losing it!! 😂😅

I see him tonight at the gym... AHHH. I need to behave! What is wronnggg with me hahaha

Now Im daydreaming about him just pushing me against the car and kissing me 🥰 Im going to be fighting my hormones hard.