I’ll try to sum this up best I can

- Trying for two years with two M/Cs

- Last M/C was June of last year. I haven’t been pregnant since.

- I don’t have PCOS, endo, blocked tubes or anything that would explain why i can’t have a baby. Except that I don’t ovulate correctly. I don’t ovulate every month. There’s no pattern to it. It’s erratic.

- I’ve tried Clomid, and it did nothing.

- I’m feeling hopeless, depressed, confused, upset, angry and so many other things. I’ve kind of started to give up.

Meanwhile, people have unplanned pregnancies and carry to term no problem. People are getting pregnant their second month of trying. People with actual problems like PCOS are having healthy babies. It’s not fair.

I recently found out a family member of mine was pregnant with her second child. I immediately burst into tears when I heard the news. I see her at least once a month. We see each other all the time. Even more recently, I found out she miscarried. And to be honest, I’m not sad or upset about it. I’m....relieved. That sounds horrible but I can’t keep pretending to be happy for people. I can’t be bawling inside and celebrating on the outside. I can’t see people grow and experience all the wonderful pregnancy things. I can’t do it.

Am I an awful person for not being upset for her? I’m not saying that she deserved it or that she doesn’t deserve to be happy. But, she already has a child (who was unplanned btw). Am I allowed to be selfish and not want to deal with other people’s pregnancies anymore? Am I allowed to be relieved that I don’t have to pretend to be happy next time I see her? Am I wrong to be happy to not have to deal with that right now?