Hi ladies,

This is my time to leave the group.

On my regular appointment at 9 weeks we found out that we no longer had a baby growing but a little angel resting.

Measured right on time but had no heartbeat. The doctor couldn't detect any movement at all, no flow, nothing - but otherwise measuring great and looking healthy, so whatever happened must have had happened just a little bit before.

We talked about possible causes - because parents usually feel guilty and try to pinpoint reasons - but couldn't find anything. (A study says that about 20-25% of all pregnancies end ... unsuccessfully, and 90% of those are miscarriages in the first trimester. For most of those cases it's a developmental issue and not something you did wrong.)

We also went through our options and went with the doctor's recommendation of surgical assistance. I was scheduled to go into the hospital within a few days.

Before the procedure I was checked again, and even though it was just two days, the doc said the natural process also started by then, quite visibly on the ultrasound scan. So I probably would have started noticing symptoms in the next few days.

I had absolutely no worrisome symptoms leading up to this. I had completely normal first trimester symptoms, and we could detect a nice and strong heartbeat at 6 weeks.

We were not prepared for these, and are still dealing with the situation. I have a healthy toddler, and I can remember what it was like to love her while pregnant and then to love her holding her in my arms... I know I'm not grieving a child but a possibility, but it still feels devastating, like I lost an important part of myself, I lost a possible future of loving and caring and... It's just, it's hard.

I came home from the hospital after a half day of observation. Physically, I feel pretty well, better than expected. I'm glad the technical going-through-with-whatever is mostly done with and we can focus on healing.

This was a hellish, long week. My husband and I had some really good and deep talks, cries, emotional and thoughtful sessions while being between appointments, and I think we are well on our way of healing. It will take quite a while though.

I hope this helps anyone who's going through something similar. You can deal with it, it's likely not your fault, and there's healing and life after this. You can still be happy in time.

For the rest of you - I'll be thinking about you around New Year's 😁 Pregnancy is difficult, but it seems longer than it actually is, and it's as wonderful as exhausting.

Stay strong!