I have to vent

A couple years ago, i was sexually assaulted. It was a guy i was dating. Im doing alright now. Met the love of my life, have come to terms with my past, and made things right by me. But something has been pissing me off lately since ive been talking to people about my story (for therapeutic reasons. I have not and will never report it, and i have very good reasons).

People always say that it doesnt mattter what the victim did, the assault was never their fault. While i believe its true that nothing excuses what he did to me, it was my fault. In my case, it was definitely my fault.

I was angry. I hated myself. I wanted to hurt myself. I hated the guy and he hated me and the only reason we were together is because we both wanted to hurt ourselves and knew we could hurt each other. We were both mentally verbally and physically hurting each other. We abused each other because we wanted to be abused. Did i know he would sexually assault me? No. Was i prepared to experience that? Hell no. Had i told him that that was an uncrossable boundary? Yes. But if i entered that relationship because i knew he would hurt me, how is it not at least 40% my fault that he sexually assaulted me?

And how come that opinion isnt valid? I dont think any other victim is at fault for what happened to them, but i know my situation more than anyone else, and i feel that its my fault. Ive come to peace with it, but im really fed up with people telling me that im not allowed to feel that i am at fault. Why cant i say that without everyone telling me that im wrong and being unfair to myself? I just hate it so much.