**EDIT**

He refuses counseling, he said it’s stupid. He doesn’t like talking about his thoughts and feelings.

**ORIGINAL POST**

My relationships fail. I always end up cheated on. I know ultimately they choose to have sex with someone else, but I feel like perhaps if I was a better person this wouldn’t happen.

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The older I get the more cold, closed and bitter I become. Let me explain..

I find myself being full of shitty attitude. I get an attitude for no reason. I get an attitude when he’s on his phone, when he reads a text, if he sits on the sofa to watch sports, if he sits outside to smoke a cigarette, if he drinks a beer, if he has his football (he’s in a local men’s football league), if he looks at other people when we are out.. literally everything he does I react with an attitude.

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Maybe it’s because I was so badly damaged from my last relationship that I just internally assume he’s trying to do what my ex did.

My ex was always on his phone, always sexting other women. He also was an alcoholic and anytime he was not at the office he had an alcoholic beverage in his hand. He would go out many nights and not return, return wasted. He never brought me with him and left me with his son (not my child) to watch. I would get messages from other people saying he was sleeping with whores and strippers.. he was doing a lot of cocaine.. it was a bad 3-4 years.

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But I can’t seem to turn that switch off. My boyfriend is wonderful. He is always there for me, always asks me my opinion on anything we do, asks me how I feel about him going somewhere even if it’s mandatory, helps around the house with chores, never lets me pay for anything.. he’s an amazing dad and helps with our daughter without me ever needing to ask. I feel amazingly blessed. He’s more than any guy has ever been for me and I truly believe he loves me. He’s never really done anything to give me reason to not have trust. So why can’t I trust him or be relaxed with him? I feel so negative about everything and I don’t understand why!!!

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I’ve noticed though that he never wants sex. When we have sex it’s because I normally coax him into it by touching him or playing with his dick. Even then sometimes he will cover himself up and say no I’m not in the mood. He’s not romantic, never tells me how he feels, never kisses or touches me. He talks to me like I’m just one of his other friends. It’s come to the point now that I realize he’s never tried to have sex with me. He always turns me down. When I talked about it he said it’s just because he’s not in the mood. How am I supposed to feel about that? I think it’s another reason I’m bitter. I feel like he’s not attracted to me. And perhaps that’s why I feel the need to be distant. So I don’t get hurt when I find out the true reason for him not wanting to be intimate with me. He says it’s not the case but it surely feels as though he’s not attracted to me or that he wishes I were someone else.. I’ve been crying about it a lot. We’ve had serious discussions lately. He said he will try harder to be more affectionate and loving. He still turns down sex, but he hugs and kisses on me more and touches and tells me he loves me. But still no sex. It’s so weird to me it feels like there has to be a reason for it. But yet he bought us a house and spends all his time with us. And the fact he treats me so well it is all just so confusing..

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I want to learn how to be a better person for him, for myself, for our daughter. I am realizing just how closed and guarded I am. It’s not fair to any of us. I need advice