What is wrong with me?

Every time I see a very attractive woman I get so jelous. I wish I could look like that. I went threw an abusive relationship when I was 17-19 and he was very physically and emotionally abusive. I have had self confidence issues since and HATE my self. And now that I have had kids I hate myself even more. I love my babies and would have them over again. Just think after 5 months my body should be back to normal. And after exclusively pumping for both kids my breasts are super saggy and my husband wont let me have plastic surgery. I have been trying to lose weight for the last 4 months and nothing's happening and I try and wear make up but it looks horrible no matter how many tutorials I watch. I do try and do things to boost my confidence but nothing is helping. I am tying to learn that I cant change my looks but why do I have to be so ugly? Maybe than my husband wouldnt have to check out every beautiful woman and have look them online