(REPOST) Unpopular Opinion—Keeping early pregnancy hurts more than it helps

I’ve been thinking about this a great deal, and I wanted to share some of my thoughts about the general convention of keeping pregnancy a secret in the first trimester.

TW: Miscarriage, pregnancy loss

**disclaimer—if you are a non-female pregnant person, I’m sorry my language is not 100% inclusive. I’ve chosen these terms for clarity, but I see you and you are just as much a part of this as everyone else**

I’ll start this by saying that every woman (or couple experiencing pregnancy in any way) 100% capable of making all choices surrounding their pregnancy and discussing it with others. I completely understand why any person choose to wait, especially if they’ve been through hell and back with previous MC (miscarriage) or CP (chemical pregnancy). In what I am about to say, I am in no way trying to make decisions for others—I’ll get into why that is exactly the opposite of my take on this.

Here is my take on why the narrative of having to keep a pregnancy secret is harmful to the mental health of pregnant people:

1) Women should be able to choose (as much as is possible for them personally) the moment at which they are attached to the product of their pregnancy. If you are 4 weeks pregnant, you have every right to love your baby if you choose that. Conversely, some women can have the same right to not see those cells as a “baby” and as an extension of their own body. For those that choose the former, the idea that we must “keep this a secret” stifles our right to love the baby we’ve chosen to see and feel in our early pregnancy. It stifles our joy and creates mass anxiety and stress.

2) Keeping early pregnancy a secret furthers the idea that early miscarriage and CP are “not so bad”. I’ve heard so often grieving women say that they’ve had to cope with people saying things like “at least you know you can get pregnant” and “at least it was early” and “you can get pregnant again!” as a result of this convention. The idea that we all have to keep secrets around early pregnancy gives all of us the general attitude that early pregnancy is not “real” pregnancy, which is very harmful for people who’ve chosen to emotionally invest themselves in their pregnancy from day 1.

3) Keeping pregnancy a secret because of the risk of MC only further stigmatizes MC and plays into the terrible shame women are made to feel surrounding it. (I could make a whole ‘nother post on societal shame and MC, but that’s for another day) Why should women have to suffer in silence without the support of their family or community? They’ve done nothing wrong, but they are made to feel as if they’re suffering in a bubble. Grieving women who are forced to return to work when no one knows their pain. We should support one another in difficult times, not shut ourselves away because of internalized shame.

Something that is crucial for me to say here is that women should choose their own support network. If you don’t think certain parties would give support, of course I’m advocating for your right to choose not to tell them. If you think telling many people only increases your pain, again that should be your choice. The point I am making is that the “secret” convention stops women from seeking support because “it’s weird to tell people when I’m only 4 weeks”

These are my thoughts, and I’d love to hear yours. A special SO to mothers who’ve experienced loss—you’re some of the strongest women on earth and I’m so sorry for your pain. lThank you all for this open and supportive community. ❤️