I hope its ok if I post here the stillbirth group isn't active at all and I need somewhere to go to cry...my Serenity Joy was born sleeping July 8th 2017 at 24wks. She was due October 28th 2017. She was completely healthy nothing wrong. At the near end of 22wks I reached up to turn my ceiling fan on and felt a small (very small gush) me being a worrier MAJORLY told myself that it was most likely cm because I've had that happened many times b4. I'm a mama of 8 others (yes all by my husband of 21yrs) my water had only broken twice b4 with others and when it broke it flooded so I didn't think thats what it was although in my mind my first thought and gut feeling was to run to the E.r but I wanted to try and make myself less worried that its happened b4 multiple times running to the hospital only being told its cm not my water. So Instood there a minute waiting to see if anything came out again and it didn't so I continued to clean my house. So a couple of days later (22wks 6 days) went to my O.B appointment worried I couldn't find her heartbeat well on my home doppler. They wouldn't give me an ultrasound so the doctor found her heartbeat and listened with the same doppler I have at home for 8min straight assuring me all was well. I still didn't feel right a few more days later so I went back 23wks 1 day. Told this doctor I was very concerned so she ordered a ultrasound immediately. The ultrasound Tech. Immediately ran out 2min into the ultrasound and when she came back I asked what was wrong, she said my fluids were very low so she ran to grab a 2nd opinion with the doctor. The Doctor took me in a room (my hubs was at work) told me that my fluid was extremely low that her chances of survival was dropping and they wouldn't or couldn't admit me in the hospital because she wasn't 24wks considered "viable" that I had a slow leak in her sack. They sent me home on bed rest were I cried my eyes out and they told me if I could make it to July 7th on that Fridayat 24wks they would hospitalize me and keep me until she was born. Hubs took me to a different and bigger hospital for a 2nd opinion were I begged them to help me and my baby but they as well turned me away because she wasn't considered viable......This may sound weirto others but on 7~6~17....I felt my baby girls spirit pass through my body but I didn't wanna believe thats what just happened because I had a doctor's appointment the next morning on 7~7~17 were I would be kept. So I packed my bag and headed to my appointment. I was there for hours because they were running behind on appointments so my appointment was already 2hrs late. I had gestational diabetes and my sugar was very low because I'd been there already 2hrs with nothing to eat or drink. So the diabetes nurse gave me a glucose drink and to check my sugar in about 15min. So I did. It was 220 which is extremely high (not supposed to be past like 120-130 it was like in the 60s b4 drink and its supposed to be above 80s for me) plus drinking a sugary drink...why isn't she bouncing around?...she wasn't. So they finally took me back for ultrasound (you think I'd be somewhat priority having a slow leak) so I'm laying on the table and they put the probe on and I immediately seen her with barely any blue on the screen (blood flow is blue and red)...the tech looked and me and my husband just like we lost a puppy and said..NOPE no heartbeat today!!! Just very peppy! No, I'm so sorry or I hate saying this but just as though it was no big deal! And I just lost it!! I was immediately induced (my cervix was long and thick and hard and placenta was perfect)...my baby girl was born sleeping but awoke in the Lords arms on July 8th 2017. I wanted to hold her on my lap and tell her all about the Lord...but instead...he gets to tell her all about me instead. My baby girl will be 2 in a few days and I just dont know how to deal with it this year. My rainbow baby girl will be having open heart surgery soon July 11th on the day my Serenity Joy was laid to rest so its double the heartache this July 2019 (I'll be making a separate post about my precious girl having open heart surgery in a different area)...but how am I supposed to get through Serenity's birthday this year without my heart shattering all over again? I'm very sorry for posting here I just needed to cry a minute. I blame myself every single day for not listening to my instincts and going to the hospital..I always wonder what she would look like. How she would be running around with her siblings or giving mommy kisses. My heart is hurting and I just wanna lay in my bed and never get up until July is over with but my 8m old needs me and my others as well. Sigh...Lord help me please these next few days because people say that I am brave but the truth is..I'm barely hanging on. Sigh...