Firstly, this is LONG.

Tl;Dr for those who want it quick and sweet: I think I caught feelings for someone I've kinda been friends with for a while, but i don't think he feels the same way (either at all or if he did, he doesn't anymore). I don't want to break my own heart so I don't want to feel things anymore.

This is honestly more of a journal entry than me asking for advice, but I'd definitely appreciate any advice given.

Let's just say my dumbass went and caught feelings. It went from sexual attraction to just in general liking his presence, his scent(I've always liked his scent), How sweet he is to his animals Etc. Etc. Classic crush behavior. I usually don't crush on anyone, but he's been an old haunt of mine for a while. I'm talking like since 7th grade. I never acted on what I felt for him back then because of some drama that was going on in our friend group at the time (yeah ik, eye roll, how dramatic can middle schoolers get?) and i didn't want to stir the pot or ruin my chances. Not to mention that I was going through an adjustment period in my home life as well as trying to develop into a person with good social hygiene whose development was hindered by bullying and isolation I faced in my early life(hence general confidence issues)(sidenote; that sentence was so fucked im so sorry). These issues in general lead me to being a late bloomer socially+emotionally and not just physically (context for the joke; I didn't get my period until I was 14). I went through a period of time (8th to 10th grade respectively) where I had allowed everything that happened to me in the past shut me down emotionally and I thought I lived life to serve others despite the toll it took on my own well being- I was used and in generally grew a very unhealthy mindset where I'd convinced myself that my purpose in life was to let others use me up and throw me away when I served my purpose and that that was okay because somehow I deserved it(it may sound like I'm rambling but the context is a little necessary). I came out of this partially with my first relationship that starts sophomore year.

I got to HS and began to focus on other things so eventually I sorta forgot about him what with how turbulent HS was and never having any classes but orchestra that one year(soph) together. This year(sen) I had him in the same class again i met him in all those years ago, and our little friend group from MS reconnected- thus our interactions began with more depth this time- older and wiser etc.

Here were are, seniors who graduated recently, but I'm still over here with those feelings. I didn't want to acknowledge them at first bc I'm fairly certain -even now- that it's just initial sexual attraction, but even so, I'm feeling stuff and I don't like it.

The thing is, we both acknowledged how we felt around each other after we started to talk more around winter break of this year- come april or something we both finally talked about it. We both had talked about being sexually attracted to one another and both not being sure about other feelings (like if we liked each other in that "like-like" way or not). Towards the end of that conversation we sorta just agreed not to do anything about it because we didn't want to mess up our friendship with one another.

The thing that sucks is back then I didn't really feel as much as i do now, so I agreed with him that we sort of have better chemistry as friends. But I guess if psychology class taught me anything, it's that if you're told you can't have/do something, you'll want it even more. And I'm fairly certain that's what's happening here.

I need to add a couple things because if the story were that clean cut I don't think I'd have to even get advice. (It's funny because I'm usually the one shelling out advice to many of you guys on here)

Sophomore year (when I had a class with him), I was in a relationship with someone(from earlier) that lasted from November of 2016 to perhaps, January or February of 2019- I can't even remember. That relationship was one of the ones that "when it's good it's great and when it's bad it's BAD" and it left me with as many confidence issues as it cured. However, in that relationship I learned a lot about physical confidence and being direct with guys because beating around the bush gets you no where.

So, before we had officially talked about it, we had been flirting back and fourth through text, and I'll just say it: we were beating around the bush. Like when you're trying to flirt with someone but not make it obvious you like them in case they don't you wanna be able to save your ass the embarrassment? Yeah, that.

Well, I might have been too direct because I just impulsively out of no where sent him a photo of my bare chest and ???. I have no idea why I did that. It didn't make things awkward though and when I apologized for it he said it was fine, and i genuinely do think it didn't bother him. But honestly, I regret it. I think I ruined my chances by being that* direct. I never would have done anything like that... And honestly I really hate myself for it. I don't want to say it ruined my chances, because I trust his word- he's never lied to me before and is fairly blunt about things. Short and depending on the situation, not-so-sweet kinda blunt. (Cont. In part 2)