Why am I questioning him? (With long back story)

This is going to be long... so let me start from the beginning.. I’m currently 16 years old. I’ve grown up in a house where my parents have argued almost all the time. We were very poor when I was around the age 4 to maybe 6-8 years old. We still struggle with money but aren’t actually poor when I was younger. We would go on the streets and find soda cans and cash them at a junk yard for some cash to help us get small food. It was pretty hard. I lost my great grandfather and cousin within a 2 year span when I was around 9. That’s when a lot started happening. I was getting bullied verbally and physically all of elementary but it got worse when I was 9 and 10 and only continued to get worse. By the time I ended 5th grade and entered 6th grade I was diagnosed with depression. Yea very young. I made tons of friends but eventually got bullied by all except 3 people. I became suicidal by the end of 6th grade and started self harm. 7th grade started and my only friend at the time was no where when I looked for him. Turned out our classes were opposites so we never saw each other and I became the lone wolf. Self harm began to get worse... led to my first (yes first) suicide attempt near thanksgiving in 7th grade. Things between my family got worse because my mother found out my father cheated on her. So that resulted to a lot of fighting so where I had to start helping my younger sister (who is 4 years younger than me). The second semester I had my second suicide attempt. Again failed and I continue living. By the end of 8th grade I ended up dating my best friend of 3 years. Before this I attempted suicide again. My best friend was my first boyfriend and i Can day I truly had very deep feelings for him. He broke my heart by cheating on me with another friend I had made (which apparently they have known each other for awhile and I didn’t know). During I relationship the whole family situation got worse so the self harm only continued. By this time I was fed up. Going into my freshman year I hated it and I mean it was so bad I cried because I didn’t want to go to school and I know what your saying “typical it’s the beginning of high school” no I could not handle all the harmful things I was being told. This is also the year that I first experienced sexual harassment. The entire year it was the same guy but I was so depressed that I was numb and just didn’t care. Toward the beginning of second semester of 9th grade it got really bad. I was begging cornered by him. He would pin me to the table. He would grab me and run his hands over my body. Mind you this would happen in the middle of class in front of everyone. This class was full of all different grades. And since the guy was friends with most of the people in our class it was just a joke to them and everyone else. So by the time spring break comes by I decided, I write my suicide note and put it on the bed. I tried committing suicide 3 times that spring break. And by the power of God I made it out alive. So I started going to church more often and tried getting my life together and grow as a Christian and a person. I would question God why he let all those things happen to me and then I got to a point where I questioned him so much that I stopped believing in him. Until the beginning of sophomore year I start dating another guy but I was used for a status and to make him look cool. I decided that I need to know my worth and again I start watching preachings and take notes and just go deep into the Bible. Second semester of sophomore year I meet a boy who I’m currently dating (almost 4 months now). He also struggles a lot because he has an abuse father and severe depression as I once did. Oh also by the time I began sophomore year I was going to therapy for depression and anxiety but my anxiety ended up getting worse as school continued to where I have full panic attacks. But I’ll get to that in a bit. From today July 8th a friend of mine passed away 2 months ago. She was also 16 and just had her birthday a month before she passed. It was absolutely horrible. I cried for the first about 3 weeks off and on every day. After it’s when I think about her that I cry. Now it’s just I feel empty and sad because she was my friend. And this is where the title comes in. Since her death I started questioning God again. Why must he have taken her so young? Why did he cause me and so many other people that loved her this pain and hurting? My anxiety has severely increased and my depression is back. My boyfriend and I are also going thru a hard time because his mother has taken his phone up for the rest of the month. So it has been a week we haven’t talked and i keep getting anxious and worried to the point where i cause myself to panic because my anxiety is so bad. And i know what you’re saying “no that’s not anxiety it’s just worry” no i have full panic attacks. I start hyperventilating and my hands start to tingle and my heart beat feels like it’s about to burst and I start to cry and hit myself. I used to be able to control them but ever since my friend passed away I haven’t been able to control them anymore. I’m at the point where I’m so tired of living like this. Like having panic attacks and not being able to control them and losing my loved ones. I keep questioning God why is he letting these things happen? Why did he take my friend away? Why is there such an obstacle in my relationship? Why is my panic attacks getting worse? I try to believe him and believe and hope that things will get better but when I pray it feels like nothing. It feels like he’s not hearing me or maybe he doesn’t care. Just typing this out started to make me cry. I’m just so lost right now and I don’t know what to do anymore and I feel like I have no one to talk to.

Anyways this is the end of my rant

*For anyone who read this whole thing, thank you for taking the time and reading it