I can’t have sex with my boyfriend (TMFI WARNING)
I’m not sure why this is happening. I love my boyfriend so much, and he’s been nothing but an angel to me. Sex with him has never felt particularly good because he’s very slim and when he gets hard it feels like being stabbed. But he’s good at other stuff so I always get off. But sometimes it feels like an obligation because he’ll be like literally humping my leg.
Well around the end of May I got really really sick. I got tested and the problem turned out to be well...everything.
Celiac? Positive. Other allergies? Positive. Inflammatory Bowel? Positive. Even my Pap smear was positive for abnormal cells and requires follow up. If it’s permanent and incurable, I’ve got it.
I’m losing a pound a week no matter how hard I try. I masturbate, sometimes a lot, to deal with the pain. I’m not allowed to take pain meds other than Tylenol because they can cause ulcers. I have to take digestive meds and antacids just to function.
And I don’t know why but the worst thing about all of this for me is how much sex HURTS. It doesn’t even hurt in the moment. It feels great. But 8-9 hours later, like clockwork, I get sick. Like cramping, bent over on the bathroom, losing it out both ends SICK. Hospital visit sick.
And I’m scared that it’s not even physical. Once, while we were on a break, I slept with someone else and it didn’t hurt at all. It went on for hours and I was fine.
When I’m around my bf, I know I have strong feelings of stress, distrust, and just generally my heart pounds and I feel anxious. It’s been 11 years and leaving isn’t an option. But neither is sex.
I’m terrified I’ll go to the gyno, get the pre-cancerous cells removed and he’ll be hounding me for sex again. But I don’t want to do it.
Do couples survive without sex or should I just start the death clock now?