Our little ones💞

Wow! I can hardly believe we will have been married five years in August!

We’ve had a few rough patches with the loss of pets and cattle (losing about 58 out of 60 calves in one month and then some). But that was nothing compared to the trial of walking through a missed miscarriage.

Our first one happened about 2 years ago. We didn’t know until we went to our first ultrasound and found no heartbeat. I was devastated. I wasn’t sure I would be able to continue.

While we were there waiting for my dr to come in the room to talk with us, Josh pulled up Bible verse after verse and had me read them out loud. At first I really didn’t want to. I was angry with God and the last thing I wanted to do was read His promises.

Josh gently insisted, and I was so glad he had. With a trembling voice I began to whisper the verse he handed to me and my heart slowly began to heal.

One verse that stood out to me specifically through it all was: “Grace to you and peace from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ. Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For just as the sufferings of Christ are ours in abundance, so also our comfort is abundant through Christ.”

‭‭2 CORINTHIANS‬ ‭1:2-5‬ ‭

This brought me great hope and trust that God had a purpose in the pain. God is loving and everything in life that we go through happens for a reason. And sometimes that is the hardest thing to entrust to Him.

We don’t always get to see His purpose for it this side of heaven, but I am grateful that He did show me a few ways that He has already used it in my life and others.

Fast forward to this May.

We found out we were expecting again and we were both so excited.

I decided early on that I wouldn’t allow fear of another broken heart keep me from loving this little one. I would love it for as long as God allowed me to. Whether that be a few weeks, months, years or until the day I die.

Our first ultrasound landed on the same day that we had gotten tickets back in January for a Hillsong concert. Way back then God knew what we were going to need and He put everything in place to help us heal.

While we waited for my dr to come in and begin the ultrasound a Bible verse popped up on my home screen as the “verse of the day”. It was : “Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not let your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful.”

‭‭JOHN‬ ‭14:27‬ ‭

I took a screenshot of it because I wanted to remember it and make a picture with that verse later in the day. (Later when I opened app it was supposed to be the “verse of the day” from, there was a completely different verse there than the one that had shown up on my screen!)

At the ultrasound we found out that there was no baby in my uterus. Not at all what we were hoping to hear. It was unclear if we were just off on the dates or if it was a really early missed miscarriage. They drew some blood and asked me to come back in two days to take more to compare my levels. If they were rising we would need to do another ultrasound to see if we could figure out what was going on and if the levels were dropping, we knew it was going to be another miscarriage.

With that we left for our concert and it will be an evening the two of us remember in our hearts forever.

There was a double rainbow outside as we waited for the doors to open and the music helped minister to my soul. That night I was able to take my eyes off of myself and put them back on my Savior and give Him control.

We laughed and cried. We danced and raised our hands in worship.

Two days later as I sat waiting for my next blood test, guess which verse popped up on my screen again.

Yep! “Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not let your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful.”

‭‭JOHN‬ ‭14:27‬ ‭(again it wasn’t the “verse of the day” that showed up when I opened the app)

They told me to come in the next day and the Dr. would let us know what the results were.

Josh came with me the next day and can you guess what happened while we sat waiting for the dr?

The same verse popped up on my screen!

It finally began to really get my attention now!

We found out that my levels were dropping. My heart ached so much. I asked the Lord to give me the peace He promised and He did.

I still cry and still miss my little one but I have peace knowing that God is in control and that He knows what is best, even if I can’t see it.

The next day a completely different verse popped up on my screen and it matched the “verse of the day” in the app!

This past

weekend my body finally began to realize there was no baby growing and has begun the cleansing process.

It is hard and painful process, but I take hope in that, when the time is right, God will bless us with a little one we can hold in our arms.

Until that time I will wait on Him.

I hope this might encourage you if you have gone/are going through a miscarriage or loss of a child yourself. Please, send me a message if you need someone to talk with. I know how hard it can be. It is easy to want to push everyone away, but God has placed some people in your life to help you through the healing.