I'm not surw if this is where I should post this in here, but in any event here is goes:

In 2008 I met this guy. He was charming, he treated me like I was the entire world to him. He would come to my house at 7am just to make me breakfast in bed. He was everything I was longing for after being in a horribly mentally, emotionally abusive and controlling relationship. He would tell me I was remarkable vs a cunt, that I was special vs a waste of air, etc.

The only downside....is he was an addict. In my nativity, I had NO idea what that meant and on what level.....until his first relapse. He was there one day and the next gone. It was 4 weeks until he contacted me from jail, and my stupid ass took him back thinking it was a one off. He spent 6 months in jail. When he was released, I was there to get him and things were great again.....until they weren't again. When he wasn't in the throws of addiction, he was a legalistic christian, meaning he took everything he interpreted from the bible as the end all be all, and also a way to manipulate me and keep me where he wanted me.

He hid my birth control because I shouldn't be taking it. We would have sex and the next day he would treat me like a two bit, unpaid hooker.

In the span of 3 years he relapsed 3 times and was in jail half of that.

He would gaslight me constantly, project his shortcomings onto me in order to make himself feel better.

I was head over heels in love with him. I did everything for him. His addiction became my addiction and my whole world revolved around him. I became codependent.

Fast forward to 2010. I broke up with him. He would not relent. I ended up sleeping with him once and got pregnant with our twins.

I told him I was pregnant and at first he was happy. Then he continually asked me if I was sure they were his. It broke me. I already had a 6 year old with the biggest douche, and now I was having twins with a druggie.

He wasnt there for me through my pregnancy and ignored me most of the time. He stayed clean the entire time and went on to tell everyone I had slept with other people and that they may not be his. He then started dating a girl from his church. I was broken. It crushed me into 10000000 pieces.

At the very very end of my pregnancy he came to the hospital with me when i went into labor rhe 3rd time. I got send home after 4 days to Friday, sent home and then induced on the Monday. He was there for their birth.

Then....2 weeks later he relapsed and I didn't see him again for a couple of months. Durring that time I got custody of the twins, he got zero access. He got arrested which ended up in the paper.

Anyways long story shortish..

I took him back 3 times after I had the twins, which gave him a chance to try. He didn't for long each time. Collectively, he has been in their lives 6 weeks max (not consecutively). The last time he saw them was their 3rd birthday.

I hadn't heard boo from him in 4.5 years and then in February/March this year he called me. We talked about an hour, most of which I was reaming him out. However, it wasnt an all bad convo and a small part of me enjoyed the convo. I'm not sure for any reason other than getting pent up shit out, but who knows.

Then he contacted me via fake phone number over text completely losing it on me.

He was across the country living in a whole other province (2000km away). During the last 5 years he has spent the majority in jail.

He is mad that I will never let him see them and want him to sign over his rights, as the only man my kids ever called daddy is my partner of almost 5 years.

He refuses. Im positive he is relapsing right now and while I thought he was in BC, he got a hospital bill from June 1-12th in my city in Ontario.

So now, I'm freaked out he is back here and wondering why. Then I also feel bad for him.

Why do I still feel this way. I dont love him, he is a POS. But that old part of me that used to try to find him downtown finds myself driving downtown to look for him.

Why is this coming out of me? I've moved on, have been with my partner 5 years and we have had a child together. We are happy for the most part, but I still get in crisis mode when my ex is relapsing??