I was abused and harassed by my athletic coach at my university for a whole year. I reported him MULTIPLE times. And they dismissed it. Told me he was stressed. It led me to a deep and dark place. Depression. Suicidal tendencies. And anxiety. I finally told my dad and he threatened the school with a public media announcement. And they finally listened. He told them that if he isn’t removed by the end of summer than I won’t be coming back to the university. There has been an (ongoing investigation) since then. But school starts in a month and I’m scared. That he won’t be gone and I’ll have to leave. That he will take it out on me knowing that I’m the one that reported him. I’ve spent all summer in therapy. Crying. Hurting. I’m trying to get better but it’s so hard. My boyfriend and my parents are so helpful...but I feel so terrible putting them through all of this. I need so much attention and so much help now. And I hate it but I’m trying to get better and it’s so hard.

I guess I’m saying, I’m sorry that I’m broken.

Here is something I wrote to my coach, that I’ll never send him.

To The man, who took my life.

You taught me to exist without gratitude.

You ruined my manners toward God:

“We’re here simply to wait for death;

the pleasures of earth are overrated.”

You taught me to stand in fear: and not tremble. Not to cry over the things I think would kill me because death seems far more peaceful than the thoughts in my head.

You taught me to hide in the shadows because who I am is not worth being seen by the world. How to conform to who others wanted me to be. To lie to my friends & my family.

You taught me how to be afraid of living, everything I endure is so terrifying that I would rather sink into my subconscious and forget that I exist in a world that you live in.