To the women who don’t need an excuse-

Im at the end of my pregnancy, and everyone thought I’d grow to want it, but I never did and I doubt I ever will. I’m giving it up for adoption. I just don’t want it, and if I could go back I would and get an abortion, but I didn’t have the money at the time and its too late. I’m not giving it up because I love it, because i dont. And I’m not giving it up because it would have a better life without me, I’m giving it up because I don’t want it, there is no other reason. I feel no love for it. I feel no connection to it. And theres no reason for me to feel bad about any of that, I just don’t want kids. Even as I feel it kick around inside me, knowing I’m due next month, I don’t want it. The PAPs keeps on asking me questions, suggesting other mothers feel incredibly different than I do, and that’s okay. I don’t need to lie and say, “this was a hard decision for me but I love my daughter so much...”. Because it’s not a hard decision, I don’t love it. I don’t feel like a mother, because I’m not, I’m more of a “biological surrogate” for a family that will love it, and take care of it, and want it. If it grew up never finding out it was adopted, never knowing I existed, I’d be perfectly happy, in fact, im hoping that happens. I don’t want to have a stranger show up on my door at 18 saying they’re my daughter, because they’re not, they’re Mr.’ And Mrs.’ daughter. I might have given it my DNA, but I wouldn’t have if given the chance, and I don’t feel guilty. And I don’t need to feel guilty. This pregnancy has taught me that mistakes get made, and my body will pay the consequences, but it’s not a permanent situation. This pregnancy taught me that all things come to an end, and even the bad stuff stops eventually.

I don’t need to feel guilty for my feelings, or putting it up for adoption, or wanting nothing to do with it. I did what I needed to do, and I’m doing what I needed to do. Feeling remorse for putting a child i couldn’t care less about, up for adoption, Isn’t one of them.

This pregnancy was long, it was making me incredibly emotional (I felt like getting pregnant made me a failure), and it taught me a hard lesson about forgetting birth control. But here I am, and next month things will be better, and I can start putting my life and body back together again.

Sincerely,

Better Off Without It