My fiancé has gotten really mean at night recently. This has happened over the past 2 months probably, and we’ve been together for almost 2 years at this point so I can say there’s been a vast change in his behavior. About a year ago I had been dealing with anxiety and panic attacks and would get them a lot at night. It was mostly from flashbacks from when I was working as an EMT, some stuff you can’t forget. He would wake up and calm me down and reassure me everything was okay. If he didn’t wake up, if I snuggled up close to him or whispered that I needed a hug, even half asleep he’d pull me into his arms really tight until I was okay. Now I’m mostly okay though, except for an occasional bad dream here or there, and things were good. A couple of months ago though, he started getting really mean at night - from being that guy who would go above and beyond to make sure I was okay, to at some points waking me up just to make me cry.

We have a puppy, so she has to go out usually once in the middle of the night. We take turns usually, I do it one night he does it the next, or if one of us happens to be up to go to the bathroom. When it started about two months ago, I was pregnant and exhausted/sick constantly. He would wake me up from a dead sleep even when it was his turn to let out the puppy, and if I were still confused or half asleep, he’d say “whatever guess the puppy is gonna pee in the house again” and go back to sleep. That was how it started. I figured it was crabiness from being tired, bc to be fair a puppy is exhausting when they’re young, and this behavior was really unusual of him.

He went away for two weeks with the military and I lost the baby 2 days before he left. When he got back, it was like that attitude at night had become the new normal. If me or the dogs made any noise he’d snap “what?!?? I’m trying to sleep!!” If lost a pregnancy when he was gone and one night I couldn’t fall asleep, the tears just wouldn’t stop. I was trying, but got up to leave the room so I wouldn’t bother him and I got yelled at for it “not being a good time” and that “I just needed to accept it was gone and move on”. He later woke up more and apologized for that, but I couldn’t forget that comment.

Now it happens pretty regularly where he’ll wake me up from a dead sleep to take the dogs out, even if it’s his turn, or I’d already woken Up and taken the dogs out. His reasoning is that he starts work earlier and gets less sleep. Except I’m the one always trying to get him to go to bed earlier but every night he wants to stay up late either playing video games or out with friends. Then he’ll yell at me if I won’t do it.

A few nights ago I had another nightmare and just wanted to be held, so I snuggled closer to him and he flipped out. Like I moved away, but he was yelling at me for disrupting him and threatening to sleep in the other bed bc he “needs his sleep”. I just wanted him to stop yelling, but he wouldn’t until I started crying. Honestly it seems like until I start crying, and not even then does he realize what he’s doing. then he’ll snuggle close and kiss my head and apologize and acts like the guy he used to be, but I don’t know what’s happening anymore.

I feel my anxiety coming back, bc I never know who I’m going to sleep with anymore. Sometimes I’ll let it go, and other times I’ll try to talk to him during the day of stuff he’s said, and it’s either like he doesn’t remember it, or he’ll apologize and act over it. But I don’t know what to do anymore.