Baby #4 is due January 13. My first 2 were uncomplicated vaginal deliveries, and then #3 ended up in a section due to a genetic disorder in the baby. That section was...traumatic. The OB was rude during the surgery (he made comments about my weight, and about the size of my baby, who was only 8lbs 12oz, which is average for me; I weighed 235 when I delivered which is for sure overweight but you aren’t my regular doctor and you don’t need to comment when I am OPEN on the table 😡)

I hemorrhaged afterwards and had to endure literal torture, with three nurses pushing on my belly and fresh incision while the OB basically shovelled clots out of my vagina with his hand. I was wailing and begging them to stop the whole time. My spinal had worn off very quickly and I hadn’t been given any pain meds yet. The nurses had to come in every hour all night and keep pushing on me for the next 12 hours, and in the morning the doctor came back and they repeated the multi-person torture. Finally the bleeding stopped just in time, and I didn’t have to go back in and be opened up again and possibly lose my uterus.

To make it all worse my baby had been whisked away to the NICU after birth. I barely got to see her. I didn’t get to hold her or see her until 12 hours after she was born, and then only briefly. I saw her again 12 hours after that, and got to hold her for 30 minutes before they took her by medical plane to Children’s.

I had PTSD type flashbacks for weeks after. Every time I would think of the birth/section I would just bawl and bawl. I was reliving it in my mind and it was so so real. Everything from walking into that cold surgical room without my husband, to the hours of agony, and being separated from my baby, was deeply traumatic.

We didn’t plan to have any more children, so I buried it all deep inside, and focused on my baby girl.

Now that we are unexpectedly pregnant again (despite precautions) I didn’t think I could tolerate another section. I decided that if I had to have one I would need general anesthesia because the idea of even going into the room makes me feel panicked. I’m in therapy for PTSD because unfortunately my daughters story didn’t have a happy ending, and all 8 months of her short life were hospitals and tests and procedures. Hospitals are pretty triggering for me in general, but I am working on it.

Anyway, I have been researching VBAC and I feel super passionately about going that direction. But the crappy OB made some comments during my surgery about how I would “have to have another section of I had more kids” and I was afraid he did something horrible to my uterus. Like an “upside down T” incision or something. So I sat down with my regular doctor today and went over the surgical notes and discussed what happened. He says everything looks perfectly fine for me to attempt a VBAC and when he refers me to an OB in the city he will send me to a practice that is VBAC friendly. So that really made my day. He actually said I am an ideal candidate because I have a “proven pelvis” due to the vaginal births. My section scar healed perfectly without any complications so that’s a plus as well.

It’s just a huge huge relief to me that I’m not sentenced to a scheduled section and I might have the chance to heal emotionally from the last birth. I’m interviewing a doula later this month that my midwife-friend recommended. The doula is also a loss mom so I think she will “get it” better than most how important this is to me. All in all today was a good day, and that’s a big deal for me because I don’t have tons of them since losing my little girl in January (being due 9 days after the anniversary of her passing is also going to be super difficult so I am glad I will have lots of extra support).