So a few months ago I finally decided to tell my mom that I wanted/needed a personal gym trainer. As a kid I was very thin and athletic and could eat basically as much of whatever I wanted. However, over the past 4-5 years (currently 18), I’ve dealt with several obstacles that resulted in gaining quite a lot of weight, becoming super unfit and “lazy”, and stress/bored eating. (Medical issues mostly, as well as depression) I snacked a LOT, and I’ve gotten better at controlling myself and eating pretty healthy. I tried dieting but it’s much better to just change the way you eat. It’s hard but you feel a lot better after eating on an overall healthier day-to-day basis. It’s a lifestyle change rather than a diet. (Which is also much healthier)

However, I’ve recently felt like I’m falling back into bad habits and not eating as healthy again. I’m not snacking as much as I used to (it used to be BAD, like protein bars alone I’d have 3 a day at least)

At the beginning of my “weight loss journey” I was around 68 Kg (height around 5’4/5’5). Now I weight basically the same amount. I know some of it is fat that’s been lost and become muscle mass, but it sucks looking at the scale and seeing the same number, sometimes even a Kg or two above 68 because I ate something or was bloated.

I know I’m making progress and health-wise I am more fit and I am just healthier in general than I used to be, but I still feel like a fat disgusting pig. I look at my thighs when I sit down and hate what I see. I’ve always had cellulite, and I’ve seen people way bigger than me that didn’t have as much cellulite as I do, and that didn’t help my self esteem either. I know it’s common especially for women and that you can’t necessarily get rid of it and that even super thin women still have cellulite, but it sucks feeling like I need to grab my jacket and just hold it over my lap to hide the disgusting thighs that will never be smooth and look good in shorts or bikinis etc.

There’s also my arms. Once again, I used to be very thin, and now my upper arms are quite bigger than they used to be, and I hate them. I hate showing my arms in tank tops or bathing suits. For example, I LOVE the pool, I love water in general. Every summer it’s pretty standard of me to go to the pool almost every day. But last summer I only went in the early mornings to do laps (like 5-6 AM so nobody else was there to see me). This summer, I’ve been to the pool only a couple times, most times at my friends pool where nobody else ever goes. I went to my neighborhood pool maybe three times, and I remember waiting until it was dark outside and just me and my friends to take off my towel. Even then I rushed into the pool to hide my body under the water. It’s miserable. I’m constantly sucking in my stomach and avoiding situations where my body looks any sort of gross.

I don’t HATE my body and I have my days where I feel pretty good about myself. But my sister can be kinda rude about my body and says things she knows will hurt my feelings. My mom has said hurtful things too, but most times it’s not intended to be hurtful.

I just want the numbers on the scale to go down at this point, and not be ashamed to go to the pool, a place I’ve always loved.

My doctor said I’m not obese and I’m an OK weight for my height and age, but I can definitely afford to lose some weight. I feel like I’m trying so hard and getting no results.