I wish it was different

I tried to kill myself 6 years ago. It left me with a lot of regrets. But i don't regret doing it. I mostly regret that i wasn't successful. If i could go back in time i would do it again. But this time I'd do it right. The only reason i dont try again now is because of my wife. I don't want to leave her like that. I live in a small town where mostly only people with money live. None of the therapists here take my insurance and i have to way to afford it otherwise. I've isolated myself from all old friends and can't remember how to create new ones. I have no one to confide in. I have no where to go. I spend my days at a job that is killing me, i can't find another one that would pay me enough for us to stay afloat. I go home and all i want to do is scream and cry. It feels like every couple weeks i break down because "I just can't do it anymore"

It's been 12 years battling depression, 6 years with my heart full of regret, 4 years of clinging to a relationship to give me strength to get through it

But I'm dying inside.