A bit of background on our lives:

Like in all marriages, theres ups and downs. My husband and I struggled with our living situation and as soon as things looked up, I fell pregnant with our very first baby. I didn't know how to feel when I saw those two lines but I prayed for them that whole month. I was shocked. I told my husband by placing the test in his pocket, I couldn't say anything, I couldn't wait. To say the least- it took time for him to accept the fact that we were having a child. About three days after we found out, he seemed to have accepted it and grew fond of the idea. The weeks turned into months, I was having a healthy pregnancy with no complications other than it seemed everything made me sad. My husband tried to cheer me up, sacrificing more and more of his time to make me feel better and less alone. I kept reassuring him that once our baby was here, I wouldn't be so needy because I'd be too busy. Around 32 weeks, our little one seemed to have wanted to come early and I was put on bed rest. My husband and I seemed to have gotten a lot of tension in those last few weeks leading up to the delivery of our baby.

On to the birth story:

I am a first time mom so I labored for over 48 hours, though only about 12 hours were active labor. The stress was high, my husband was not getting the level of self care he needed because all the focus was on me and going into labor and delivery several times before it was "the real deal." Tension was extremely high, there was little sleep between the both of us and he had left his medication at home when it came time. We sat there as I labored without meditation, switching positions to help progress every so often. My husband was clearly unwell but he pushed through until he claimed he felt "unusefull." He came up to me and whispered that he was leaving as I begged him to stay. He left. I panicked, my contractions completely stopped, I had no way to reach him. A few minutes later, he returned, he left to get the hospital bag out of the car but his intentions were to leave as soon as he brought it to the laboring room. I begged him to stay again, I told him that I didnt know if I could forgive him if he left me while I delivered our baby. He stayed but we did not speak to each other for a few hours. My contractions returned, stronger than before as if it were jump started. I was hurt, I cried but I blamed it on the pain of contractions even though they didnt really hurt like I had expected. I gave birth to our daughter, he was very hands on, holding my leg up and my puke bag. He stayed for the first hour or two of our daughters life and then walked home. He came back the next morning and stayed until we were discharged. We have been having a lot of ups and downs still and our daughter is now two months old. I'm hoping posting this will give me some closure so I can get my whole delivery out of my mind. Thank you if you read all of this. My mind is a racehorse even at 3am with a sleeping baby. I assure you, I'll be discussing all of my unresolved feelings with my husband when he wakes and we'll be taking much needed self care.

Updated, I have absolutely no intention of leaving my husband nor was this a post to "blame him." I simply needed to vent about how I've been feeling without someone who knows me or us. He is a great husband and father, I know he loves us both. The issue was not lack of love, the issue is just that I am still hurt. The fact is, I knew he'd need his meds, I tried to grab them before we left but he rushed me out the door. This is just me ranting about my feelings because this is not something I'd like to mention to anyone. He's the love of my life and I couldn't leave him for anything besides our baby of course. Yes, this may be stuck on my mind for a very long time because it was very traumatic for labor to just stop because I was stressed out. If we had to rush to the hospital, I don't think itd be on my mind but it is.