After finding out we were pregnant with our first baby, it all came crashing down as I began to bleed August 2018. After many tests it was confirmed our pregnancy wasn’t developing. The doctors suggested we had a medical miscarriage, I visited the hospital to take a tablet afterwards we sat at home going through a miscarriage we wished we didn’t have. Unfortunately pregnancy tests continued to say positive so after another scan we were told the pregnancy was still there, yet baby would never develop. The start of October we had our first operation to remove the pregnancy, the pain I felt was nothing like I felt before, such heart ache and sadness. I left the operating theatre feeling empty and distraught. After another pregnancy test that said positive we went back for a scan to say they hadn’t removed all the tissue. We had to go back for a second operation, by this time although our baby had stopped growing at 5 1/2 weeks I was 20 weeks with a sac and pregnancy symptoms the way through. Our nightmare finally ended mid November and we could start trying again in December. We were heading on our first year anniversary trip of a life time when we found out we were pregnant with our rainbow. The joy and happiness was so overwhelming nearly a year of heartache we had our good news! The next day I began bleeding and a sudden crash of emotions came down. As the bleeding continued feelings of sickness and dizziness became more prominent. On our return from America to England we booked in for a scan in which we were told we were not pregnant, however hormone levels stated we were. The tests continued for another week until it was confirmed we had an ectopic pregnancy, as I had thought with symptoms of dizziness and sickness my tube had ruptured at 5 1/2 weeks and had to go for emergency operation to remove the pregnancy and my Fallopian tube. Never have I felt so alone and upset, complete emptiness especially as I work in the early years. Showing parents around that have just given birth around the same due date as my first baby is heat breaking, putting on a happy face for all who come around or announce there pregnancy is the hardest thing I’ve hard to go through. After me loosing my parents early 20s I have never felt so alone. Everyday I live in hope that one day I will have my dream of a positive pregnancy test, seeing my baby’s heartbeat, feeling pregnancy symptoms with having that little baby growing well inside me. Anyone trying to conceive I prey for you all and hope one day soon we will have a positive test and healthy pregnancy. Living with a pregnancy loss will be one of the hardest things I will ever have to deal with, it’s time to try again with a positive and happy focus set on trying to conceive my new pregnancy, never forgetting what our little ones could of been. Xx