This surgery would take an hr tops. We were all frantic after the 4 hr mark hit. No one would tell us anything... We had no idea wtf was going on. I was a mess. I couldn't breathe. Crying to dehydration... Sobbing, anxiety attacks. The Dr comes out and says they removed the tumor but they lost her during the procedure a few times. She bled out. She had 3 blood transfusions. She was incubated and given CPR 4 times. She was currently breathing mechanically... She wasnt breathing on her own? My world came crashing down. Me and my brother were sent in together to see mom.. I was terrified.. My body and heart were running to her while my mental state and brain were trying to run away. I didnt wanna see her like that. As soon as we walked in. I fell onto her bedside, pleading and crying no please god, we ain't ready to lose her. Not now please? My brother crying on her other side. I can't recall a time in my fucked up life that I cried so hard. She suddenly squeezed my hand. I said can you hear me mom? She was mouthing back that she loved us too. Her eyes started fluttering and she was making weird hand movements. The drs came in and turned her machine down slowly she was eventually by the next day awake aware and breathing on her own. So while me and my brother are staying in the hospital my little sister is a senior and she would come up and visit but she was also juggling with school so she would be home at night to study and still go to school. Tim, was still working so he would come to the hospital after work for a while then go home. She left the hospital with a permanent colostomy bag. Now she had 6 months of chemo and radiation ahead... My mom never had an appointment a chemo infusion or radiation treatment alone. One of us were always there. Me or my borther mostly. The first week of chemo and radiation, We find out while my mom is in the ICU after surgery Tim was sexually harassing my little sister the whole time my mom was out of the hospital. He was masterbating so she could see him. She woke up and found him above her touching himself while she was asleep. He made perverted comments to her. Just like he did to me.... My mom got better after all her treatment. She is in remission. Thankfully. My mom tells me she is disgusted by her husband. She said she hates him for what he did to my sister. (But never brings up what he did to me.) But whatever, my mom is battleing something in her head. Maybe denial? Because somedays she will doubt my sister... She will bring it up to me and I always say MOM she's not lying about that. He did the same thing to me. She still cooks him dinner and caters to him. I live in a house not far from my mom with my brother and my kids and we have not had a washer and dryer, or a couch in our home, I work and can buy one. But he told my mom she is not allowed to use the truck to help us with anything. My brother bought a new dryer a few months ago and my mom had her old washer in the garage. We were arranging someone to pick them up to bring them home for us. When we went back they were gone. He got rid of them... When they got their new couch and loveseat set last month he took a hammer to their old one because it was still so nice and he was scared we might have got it somehow. So he destroyed it with a hammer. This past year my family is really struggling.. Me mostly I've become so bitter... I have lashed out and said the most hurtful things to my mom. Said things I'd never say! And she has been doing it back. Calling each other names, disrespectful out rages. I feel so angry towards her. I have been seeing so many faults in her actions and words anymore. EVERYTHING she does pisses me off. We don't laugh together anymore... My brother is a wreck of a person. Hes living with me cause hes jobless and homeless. Id never turn my back on him but my relationships with the people I love and the ones that I hold dearest to my heart is falling apart. Id die for them. My mom, my sister and my brother mean more to me then explainable. We are all so miserable right now. We talk behind each others back. We call each other names. We use each other. What is happening? We need each other most right now.. We never not talk to one another though... But we aren't the same. It hurts.

I think I have alot of resentment build up towards my mother for alot of things.... But why is this happening? I dont want to have resentment towards her... I have forgiven her without apology.. I love her so much... I love them. We been through way more traumatic things then I could ever type on here. I want to share my whole story but my eyes already hurt from writing this much.

If you read all of this. Thank you so much for reading my life story, sorry for the chapter book. 💗