I just feel so broken. Like how could this happen :/

I’m almost 6 weeks. I started bleeding last weekend. It was so light and over the week went from pink to brown to dark brown to bright red last night. I had went to the doctor Wednesday and my hcg levels were 315. Yesterday was my husband’s birthday. We went out for dinner and when we came back I realized I had bleed a lot through my pants. I instantly knew what was happening. My in laws were in town so luckily I had them to watch my son for me while my husband and I rushed to the ER. Everyone asking me a thousand times why I’m there just had me breaking down each time. When I went to give my urine sample, it was just basically blood. My heat sank even more. When the doctor, his two minions who typed fast on laptops, and a new training nurse came in my room, he starts asking a million questions. Then proceeds to tell me my pregnancy test came back negative even though at the doctors yesterday it was positive. I just remember picking at my fingers and looking at that new nurse Bailey. In that second I saw the compassion in her as I started to have tears run down my face. Once I started crying it’s like everyone fled out of my room. My husband held me and kept saying they don’t know anything yet, just let them do the blood test and everything will be okay. But we both knew what was happening. It took maybe a hour or more. But instead of the doctor rushing in like the first time, I saw his feet slowly coming to our room. Like he was just dragging his feet and didn’t want to deliver the news. He comes in and I can just tell by his face. He’s more calm now and more sincere then the first time. He told me my levels had dropped to 98 so I am indeed having a miscarriage. While those words are coming out of his mouth, my husband’s hand on my leg just starts shaking uncontrollably. Everyone leaves the room. I cry a little. And just try to get out of the hospital as fast as possible. On our way home, we are just silent. Until I look over and see my husband silently crying. I finally got him to pull over. I haven’t seen him cry like this in so long. Tears running down his face, snot everywhere. My heart sank. I felt like this is all my fault. It’s my body. Why didn’t the baby stick? Why is this happening to us? I have so many questions. We get home and my father in law could tell by my face it wasn’t good news. My husband and went outside to smoke and his dad went out with him. Later on my husband told me once his dad came out there, my husband started crying again and that made his dad cry. I just feel like a failure. Why couldn’t my body handle this pregnancy? What was wrong with baby? With my son, I instantly knew when I took that pregnancy test everything was going to be okay but when I took the pregnancy test for this one almost 3 weeks ago, I was terrified with how light the line was. I just knew in my gut something was wrong and I honestly felt in that moment I know I’m going to lose this baby.

I’m just sick of crying. I wish we hadn’t told anyone we were pregnant yet but then again, I’m glad to have people to talk to about it.

I hate having to be reminded every single second of the day what is happening. Every little cramp and every time I go to the bathroom to have more and more blood. I just wish this part could fast forward.

How soon after a miscarriage did you start trying again?