Today I’m 10 weeks 6 days💕 my story starts with when i actually lost a baby. It was the most horrible cramps and blood clots, one particular blood clot i couldn’t fathom i had passed was nearly the size of my hand. I’ll never forget what it felt knowing, i didn’t even know i was ever pregnant. I don’t know what could’ve been worse, knowing and losing my baby or how i actually find out while losing. Healing from that took me a long time. I was just shattered. Doubted my worth as a woman. Hated everything, questioned what i done or my child done to deserve it. Can i even have a baby? Is what i always talked about with my Andrew. Yes you will have 100 babies is always what he told me. After i finally started to come to terms, accept it. Which i don’t think I’ll ever really do, i like to think my young’ns up above watching over their little brother. Keeping him safe. I will never forget my unborn baby. The baby never talked about, never seen on an ultrasound.it took me many months to even dream of being okay. After that i decided i didn’t want babies at all. I got on the DEPO shot. After time passed and i fell in love with my Andrew more and more, and i grew from the pain of losing my little bug. I knew i wanted my rainbow baby, and so did he, we talked for so long about it. i decided to stop my birth control because the DEPO shot has its notoriety of ensuring some women NEVER get pregnant which i couldn’t handle the thought of anymore. So i got off of it, lost a little bit of weight because i gained a little while on it. About 7-8 months later, we had silently been trying. And when it really finally happened, we both just new. We knew at 1 week that i was expecting. Him being eager for a real result no way would it show on a test yet. So we went on a few weeks and i waited until about 3-4 days before my period was about to begin. He was asleep it being around 10 am, and i got up and grabbed the test, headed to the bathroom. I peed on it, set it on the sink. I couldn’t wait, so before i done anything i snook a peak and it was already positive. It shocked me it being so fast i grabbed the test and leaned over the sink studying it thinking i done something wrong or maybe it meant negative. No. Far from it. VERY positive. I could barley walk out of the bathroom and back to my bedroom. But i did and i opened the door and just started saying “Andrew. Andrew. Andrew” until he rolled over and he said “what does it say baby?” And i just had the biggest smile plastered. I couldn’t believe it but i was so excited i just ran over and hopped on top of him and hugged him as much as i could. It’s very positive. So i texted my sister makayla, she got me a few boxes of tests to take during the day instead of early Morning to see if it’d still be high hcg, sure enough. About 5 tests later, i knew. About a week later i made my way to the dr office. It was confirmed. Rough due date was feb 2nd, by first emergency ultrasound it was confirmed to be feb 8th. I had a few scares of my pregnancy symptoms just dying off, no more breast soreness, tenderness, morning sickness died, and i just did not feel pregnant. I just cried, always wishing this constant nausea would go away i felt horrible. All i wanted when it was gone, was for it to come back. Please let me feel pregnant again, bring me back to the puking and constantly wanting to sleep. Please god give it back. I miss it. For three days it didn’t. Fortunately my aunt works at my OB clinic and got me in for an emergency to try to find the heart beat. Being only 8weeks it was unlikely but i still hoped. We tried for about 30 minutes, nothing. I walked out with nothing. Not knowing anything. And that’s what hurt, lord god not again. Please take care of my tiny miracle. Looking down at my belly crying. Please keep growing, please be okay, please be healthy. Please Lord above.

About two days later, nausea. Puking up everything i ate or drink including cold water. Praise you lord. Thank you Jesus. Even while throwing up saltines, thank you Jesus. Being pale as a ghost and to weak to move from my recliner, slowly dehydrating,THANK YOU JESUS. After everything came up i always smiled. And whispered thank you Jesus. And now that i have faith. Our little bug is growing, happily. Daddy couldn’t be more excited for you little one. He loves you more than anything and is fighting so hard to give you the best life he can. You’re all he talks about. We can’t wait to meet you. Absolutely can’t wait to see you, to hear you say momma and dada, to tickle your little feet. To see your beautiful what must be blue eyes coming from your daddy and I. Everyone’s waiting for you. Mommy loves you. You’re the best thing that’s happened to me. You’ve already changed me. And surely, for this child we have prayed.