7 months pp and still depressed

I know there are so many ppd posts but i feel like i need to get this out.

I always had issues with depression and anxiety ever since i was 15 years old. I was on anti depressants and xanax for a few years until I stopped when i got married three years ago. When i was pregnant i was depressed and couldn’t figure out a way to love myself or anything about my life, but i had an amazing husband who helped through it.

I had my baby boy 7 months ago and he couldn’t be any more perfect. But my depression kept creeping in. The only thing that helped was the gym so I ended up working out for two hours everyday for the four months i was on maternity leave, while my MIL watched our son. But my depression still persisted, and i told myself that going back to work will fill my day again that I won’t have time to think about it. But going back to work backfired because it made me feel guilty on top of depressed.

Everyday i sleep for no more than 5 hours. Wake up at 6 and go to work at 7 come back at 2 then im on baby duty! I try to go to the gym every other day, but I can’t do it everyday and im so exhausted. I stopped eating all together. I barely have one full meal a day. I lost close to 60lbs since i had the baby and everyone thinks i have an eating disorder (im 5’5 and i weigh 110lbs).

Work is hectic and toxic. I don’t like a single thing about a job that i loved doing for 8 years! I’m actively looking for a new job but its hard to find something with all my benefits.

My relationship with my husband is strong on the surface, i pretend to still love him because he’s the most amazing guy but deep down i resent his happiness. I wish i could be carefree and enjoy a day out or a trip without crying my eyes out before i sleep. Sex is a mandatory chore at this point. I really have no interest in it but i do it to make him happy.

My closest friend has changed completely after i had my baby because she said that I’m such a mom now, and that made me feel worse about myself.

I feel alone. I cry because im alone. I have no one that i can call when im upset because no one wants that negative energy. My husband says my depression is a state of mind that i can and will get over, and everytime i bring up therapy he judges me and makes me feel guilty over my feelings.

I’m sorry this is long but it’s been bottled up for so long and i needed to get it out.