Today, out of nowhere, this feeling, affirmation, intuition, whatever you want to call it, came to me... that my baby doesn’t like me. 😭

We were TTC for months beforehand, and I have always wanted to be a mother. I always wanted this.

But, I admit, pregnancy is harder than I imagined, and nothing can prepare you for it. I’ve resented being sick for three months, resented losing my job, resented losing my energy, resenting losing my comfort and sleep, resented what suddenly feels like this looming pressure hanging over my life to get everything geared to the newborn, as if just being ‘me’ has stopped, and my life has been taken over by my unborn child’s.

I really hoped that knowing the gender of the baby would help me to prepare more, psychologically, and bond with it more, but, due to circumstances beyond my control, I still have another two weeks to go before I can find out.

And I’ll also admit I do have a favourite gender, and I’ve made lots of jokes and jibes about having the other gender. Obviously I’m great at being pregnant! 🤦🏼‍♀️

So I can hardly blame my baby for not liking me, I guess. Maybe it hates me. I just wanted to know more about it by now, and be able to call it by name, and start developing a relationship with it regardless of gender. It will be loved whatever it is, and I’ll do all the mental somersaults I need to get there. But I’m stuck in this limbo period where I just hate all the uncomfortable symptoms of pregnancy and that’s the feeling that wins.

It’s heartbreaking to feel like you suck as a mum at such an early stage. My mother and I had a difficult relationship too, and as a result my whole life has been about bettering myself so I could do better for my child when it came. 😭

My husband told me of course my baby loves me, and I downplayed my concerns to him because I didn’t want to come across as a psycho, but I just don’t ‘feel’ any of this right now. I can’t feel baby kick yet either. No kicking, no gender; I feel like I have nothing to hold onto, and at 15+4 I really need it now! I just hate this part I’m in, and I really hope it will pass.

I know I should stop moaning I just wish I had something to focus my love on instead of hating everything happening to my body/life right now. I hope I have made sense.

Any encouragement welcome. Please no hating.