Two years ago, I had an abortion. We found out I was pregnant at about 5 1/2 weeks when I went in for surgery. My surgery was canceled. To say I was shocked, was an understatement. Looking back, I know I panicked, used the surgery and medicines I was on as an excuse to terminate. Saying it wasnt safe for me or a baby. Never acknowledging that I just didn't feel ready, prepared or in control. I cried all the time. My husband said he would do whatever was best for my health, and he would be okay with whatever I decided (however he's always wanted kids, and I've always been undecided). I decided to terminate, and had an abortion 2 weeks later. When I went in for the abortion, they did an ultrasound and she asked if I wanted to see or know if there was a heartbeat. I said no because I wasn't sure I could go through with it if I knew or heard a heartbeat. After, I felt good about my decision, relieved, didn't cry about it. Felt it was the right decision, and a few months later had my surgery. Over the last two years, I've thought about it and realized I made my decision out of fear rather than anything else. It just totally wasn't in 'the plan' then. But, when I saw pregnant women or babies, I would always think "oh, I would be x months pregnant now if..." or "oh, we would have a one year old now if..." And being around friends with kids suddenly felt different, and I realized that I wanted that life. I wanted a baby and could do the mom thing. So, my husband and I tried and we are now 6 months pregnant. I thought once I got pregnant those what-ifs would subside, but it's been worse. Especially when we found out the gender. In my head, I thought my first would be a boy, she's a girl. And we are thrilled but I've had thoughts of I wonder if the baby we terminated was a boy and that was our chance. And now I'm worried all the time that something is going to go wrong, and it's going to be karma for my decision. I haven't talked about any of this with my husband, nor do I know how he feels. He's just always supportive and positive of me. Sometimes I think he just says whatever he thinks will make me happy, because that's so important to him, that he doesn't always open up truthfully. And I feel guilty about the decision to abort because I know he always wanted kids and while he's a dad now, or soon, he could have been one 2 years ago... I apologize this is so lengthy, but I felt I needed to vent. I'm allowing this regret to take some of the enjoyment of being pregnant away.