Recovering from loss, a rant/venting session

So I've been away from the community here for over six months because until now it's been too hard for me to read about all the lovely ladies here happy with their new babies and excited about trying for one. December 23 of 2018 if found out I was pregnant with my first child. My fiancee and I were ecstatic. We hadn't really planned on getting pregnant this soon but were very happy. I began tweaking our wedding plans to work around my pregnancy. Looked for dresses that might fit well. We decided on spring so I wouldn't be too big to enjoy myself. Everything seemed so right.

January 1, I began to miscarry. I knew what was happening even though my man and family kept trying to console me, telling me I was fine and the baby was fine.

I began to bleed. Horrible cramps. My normal periods are pretty bad but this was something else entirely. We headed to the emergency room. After a series of test and ultra sounds we were told that the placenta had detached from my uterus in a small area. With bed rest and a follow up with my OB we should be fine.

So we went home. Shaken but with so much hope. I was scheduled to see my OB in a week. She wasnt concerned but told me to keep in touch if anything changed.

That night I began to bleed more. The pain was awful but somehow for me bearable. I passed a mass resembling a grape. Immediately I knew what it was and I broke. My world came to a screeching halt.

We went back to the ER. This time confirmed it as a misscaraige.

The pain I felt was all too real though none of it now was physical. I was angry, jealous, so much hurt, so much pain. I cried nearly all day for a week. Prior to meeting my fiancee I never thought I'd have kids. Not that I didn't want them or see myself as a mom just that I couldn't imagine being with someone I'd want kids with. I had been in some bad relationships before him and have a pretty hard demanding and physical career. I honestly had no idea I wanted to be a mom this bad until I lost it.

Fast forward to yesterday. My uncle held a family reunion picnic. All of the family were there. Including my youngest cousin and his wife with their 2 week old son.

Back in December he had told me in secret that they were expecting but she wasn't ready to tell the whole family yet. We had just told everyone that I was.

Seeing that perfect little boy all I could think about was that I'd be around 8months pregnant right now. I felt the pain well up inside me. Until now I had been doing well. I could be around small children and not get upset. I could talk about our loss with family and loose it. I could even start talking trying again. But at that moment the pain all came back. I am the only one in my family at this generation that does not have at least one kid. As I looked away the yard was filled with all my cousins little ones, sixteen all under the age of seven.

I'll admit i could have handled it better. I said hi but then spent most of the day avoiding her. When dinner was served i sat down with my parents, fiancee, soon to be step daughter, and grandmother on one end of the table, with my cousin and his wife and son on the other end. My step daughter sat down next to my gram leaving the only free seat next to the baby and his mother. I was ok. I could handle this. I sat down kind of expecting her to say hi at least. Nothing. She ignored me. I felt like I was invisible. I resigned to my meal and the conversation with my parents. Her voice cut through background noise. She was talking about being pregnant and her labor in significant detail. She mentioned how hard it was to be pregnant during Christmas and not tell people. That got me. I was pregnant too. I told people. I lost my child. I couldn't hold the flood gates back. Tears streamed down my face. It was hard to breathe. I looked up to meet my cousins eyes. He got up, walked around the table and hugged me so tight. He spoke soft in my ear and said he was sorry and understood. Their son was their third pregnancy. I had no idea. I couldn't understand why she would treat me like I didn't exist though. My gram saw how upset I was and tried to console me. Unfortunately her way of doing that was to tell me what all I lost and missed out on but that I'd have my shot and probably have lots of kids. That I should just shelf my career and goals and current financial struggle and just try to have that baby. Thanks gram that's exactly what I needed to hear.

I got up and left for the rest of my family in the back yard. The rest of the day I honestly enjoyed myself. Not a single person asked me how I was or how I was dealing. All of them knew, I had to tell everyone not more than a week after we announce our pregnancy that we lost it that soon. I did though. I avoided her and the little. I couldn't deal. I didn't go to her baby shower for that reason. It was way too much too soon. At the end of the night we gathered in their kitchen talking to my uncle and that same cousin. His wife parked at the kitchen table, her son asleep in the carrier. I mustered every ounce of strength to keep it together and asked her how she was doing and how he was. How was she adjusting to mom life? She answered, never making eye contact. I left it at that. My step daughter sat beside and asked how old he was. Two weeks she said. Julia looked at me blank for a second then said, "oh right you two were pregnant at the same time around Christmas," she quickly looked back at me and said, " oh Candi I'm sorry I hope I didn't upset you," laying a hand on my shoulder. I looked at her with subtle anger which I pushed down almost immediately. "It's ok, I'm fine," was all I could manage to say. What else could I say? No, it's not fine, I'll feel like a truck drove through my heart every time I look at them? Part of me is mad at her because she gets to have her baby and I don't? I'm hurt that she knows exactly what I'm going through but choose to treat me like I didn't exist and I had no right to be in pain still?

We left the house with hugs all around. I hugged her and told her I was happy for her and to enjoy him. Today I got a call from my uncle irate because he says his son told him that I said they had no business bringing the baby to the party and that it was disrespectful to me. Apparently I said that to my cousin's face and then walked away and cried over it. NONE of that happened. So now not only is all the pain fresh again like a wound that never truly healed torn open again, but I'm now being vilified by my own family for hurting over the loss of my pregnancy still and having a hard time dealing around my cousin and his new family. Idk what to feel now, anger and sadness is bleeding together. I thought I was past most of the hurt and could handle it. I was wrong. It still hurts and now I'm being painted as the bitter woman who hates other woman for their happiness. I want to try again. There is nothing physical that would prevent it. However my fiancee and I have agreed that we aren't in the best place financially and I need more time to heal mentally from it. In the meantime we are working toward it but the window is closing as I do t want to have a child over the age of 35. I'm 28 now and he's 37. I was told by my OB that I'm very fertile so if we tried I could get pregnant again within three months. But we dont want to struggle to raise a child so her I sit, on my couch in puddle of tears feeling hopeless all over again scared to try again, scared we will never get a chance to, scared about how much my life would change if we did, scared I'll never be a biological mother, hurt that my family thinks so little of me now. Apparently woman aren't allowed to be in pain and mourning the loss of a pregnancy six plus months later and especially not when another woman just had her child.

I'm sorry for the super long rant and I thank you so much from the deepest part of heart if you chose to read this through. Thank you so much. I feel lost now. Any advice and kinds words are greatly appreciated. I'm so happy for those of you that have been able to have children or for those that got their rainbow baby. I'm smiling her wishing you all the love and happiness in the world. But know that some of us would rather talk about it then forget it. We want to feel like you care that we are hurting. We want you to know that that pain doesn't just go away after a few months. It lingers. We want you to know we dont hate you for having children but that it does hurt to see you so happy because it reminds of what we lost. Oh and being told we can try again is like being stabbed in the heart with a hot blunt knife. Maybe we can. Maybe we can't. But I guarantee you that's the last thing we want to hear because it feels like our loss is being swept under the rug and forgotten. Pushed aside because woman who have had not lost their babies are not sad, not bitter. And I'm ranting again.....

I will get past this. I know I will. But right now it just all hurts.