Today is the day that I should have been learning how my baby is doing.

I should be finishing the nursery, getting my son ready to be a big brother. I should be anxiously eating pineappple, "Hurry up, little one, we don't need you to be late like your big brother."

Today I should be preparing for Braxton Hicks, starting to time myself. I should be resting my hand on my stomach, feeling the flutters of kicking steal my breath away. I should be putting in my final hours at work, getting ready for maternity leave.

Today I should be 34 weeks along, but I am not. I lost my little angel when I was only four weeks along, didnt even know it until it happened. I knew nothing until my little one passed.

My husband and I named her. I felt she would have been quite the little sister to our son.

Eleanor Soleil

Brilliant Sunlight.

I want to commemorate her memory in some shape or form. I know I was barely even pregnant when she passed but I still feel it. I still look at my stomach and ask why. I still ask myself why I couldn't carry my little one past the first trimester.

I hope that someday, I'll hold her in my arms and see her in whatever afterlife may be. But as for right now, as for these next months, I just want to honor the angel that could have been.

If you have any ideas, please let me know. I need something. I need to do something