So the dying is hyperbole, but I'm just making my customary giant feelings post.

Every. God. Damned. Time. I. Try. To. Get. Close. To. Someone. My insecurities get so bad, I get ridiculously delusional, I have anxiety attacks, I think they don't like me, I talk myself into ending things literally no matter how much I like or love them. No matter what the fuck they do, I stubbornly believe they do not like me.

And this drives me nuts. I'm a reasonable, usually emotionally intelligent, hella chill, and thoughtful person... but in a new relationship? I am a bomb waiting to be tripped by literally the most irrational shit ever and I am PAINFULLY, EXCRUCIATINGLY, aware how dumb and delusional I am being!

My friend asks me why I even consider a relationship when it stresses me out like this. It's just that I know it'll pass, once the truth has been proven to me over and over, lol. Like pretty much, I will not believe someone likes me unless they smack me with it in the gad dammed face multiple times a day.

WHY AM I LIKE THIS????

People have thought I had borderline because I insist nobody could possibly like me, even though I am actually not bad!

So this post is one of my customary "getting close to a new person" anxiety attacks. Stay tuned for more. Ugh.

I'd really like to be normal and be myself, because this? This isn't how I am. 😔

Like, sure I freak out sometimes, but this isn't how I normally am, this isn't how I treat people. Why is is so hard for me.

Also yes I've been emotionally abused, and suffered flashbacks for quite some time. I'm pretty scared of relationships and I can't trust anyone. My last relationships confirmed a lot of my fears, but I always have breakdowns like this before or at the start of a new relationship. Which is supposed to be a happy & positive time. And it SUCKS.I feel so bad about it.

Usually I dump people cuz I freak out. Like maybe I should. I don't sound that healthy lol