My husband Ashton and I found out we were pregnant in the middle of November, 8 months into our relationship, 3 months after we decided to try for a baby. I was scared at first and the first words out of my mouth was “Fuck!” And the first thought was “How the hell am I gonna raise this baby?” Ashton was excited. The joy in his eyes were so bright when he read the words “Who is a dad? You is a dad. Congratulations!” The hug and kiss he gave me were the best. We had successfully made life from our love. Ashton called him “Bitsy”. From that moment on it was constant dialogue with my baby. Every thought had the word Bitsy at the end.

Our first ultrasound appointment was January 2nd. We were so happy to hear that racing heart beat, it was always, always between 150-160. Never higher, never lower. Our due date was set for July 12th 2019.

We picked out names between then and February. Finally February 18th, 2019 Bitsy got an actual name, Sebastian Jace and he would be a shadow hunter.

The end of March, beginning of April, Sebastian was letting us know he was there. I was showing, not noticeable to others but to Ashton and I, our baby was there.

Soon I began to feel kicks and movement, at first he wouldn’t move for Ashton, he would stop as soon as he heard his voice. That didn’t last long. Before too long as soon as he heard his dads voice man was he moving, he knew who his dad was and he knew he was about to get food. Man was he excited for the food. Not really but he just had to be as close to Ashton as possible. Didn’t matter where Ashton was, Sebastian was stretching me that way. He knew when dads alarms went off in the mornin that it was go time, dad was leaving for work and he needed attention. Plus moms bladder was taking up his womb space. Shortly after becoming 6 months pregnant I was able to push on my stomach and Sebastian would kick back on where I pushed. Anytime I was laying on my back he was pushing his hands and feet against my stomach. He loved his rock music.

We watched my stomach grow, each month getting excited as my due date grew closer. We had his room set up, everything we needed for the first year, and 2 car seats one for both of our cars.

Then at 31 weeks, I started having contractions every 4-7 minutes and the on call doctor at the hospital had to give me 2 shots to stop my contractions.

35 weeks roll around and my contractions started again, 7 minutes apart, the same on call doctor stopped my contractions again. (the nurse that treated me at week 31 told me to stop rushing and that my baby will be here soon enough. She was tired that she had seen us again under 4 weeks with “false contractions”)

37 weeks rolled around and I hadnt felt my baby move at all that day, I drank some juice, ate some sweets just couldn’t get him to move. My husband took me to the hospital. I was dilated to a 1, and no contractions. The hospital gave us some juice and he was highly active. Kicking the heart beat monitor, kicking my hands.

My doctor decided on at my 38 week appointment, July 2nd, I would be getting induced on the 6th at 9 am. My doctor found Sebastian’s heart beat it was 155 bmp.

Friday night we sat in his room, and talked about the future, how in less than 24 hours we would be holding our baby. We had sex and went to bed. I woke up at 5:00 with a gasp and my water broke. I walked to the bathroom, went pee and had more water leakage. My water was swamp green. I woke my husband and we got to the hospital at 5:30. We got checked in and was sent up to the delivery room, when they had me pee in a cup, that’s when I saw just how green my water was. I laid in bed, and the nurse had the heart monitor on my belly, and he was moving it around. The room filled with silence. The nurse kept looking, before calling in another nurse, I asked if I should be worried, they hopefully said, no not yet. I looked at my husband and then back to the ceiling.That nurse looked and called in a 3rd nurse. The 3rd nurse said that she will call the on call doctor, that Sebastian is probably just in a weird position. I knew then that my baby was gone, but I still had hope that he was just in a weird position. It took the doctor 5 long minutes to get there, he pulled in the ultra sound machine, and said that he was laying high and was transverse. Then at 6:10 AM he looked at me and said “I am so sorry but there is no heartbeat. We will call your doctor and have him double check” I broke, I cried. I called my mom, my husband called his. My doctor walked in, talked to me for a moment and then ultra sounded me again. “I’m really sorry Tatiyana, but there is no heart beat. We will get you started on Pitocin. I’ll be here for the rest of the day.” My mom looked at him, and asked “So, she is going to have to deliver him vaginally? There’s no way we could c section her?” I looked at my husband then my mom before soberly saying “No mom, they can’t.” My doctor walked out of the room, and my mom followed him.

The nurse came in and started my IVs and asked if I wanted an epidural. I immediately said yes.

I was dilated to a 4 when they checked me. I got the epidural, and just laid in bed.

8 hours later, at 2:11pm they had me start pushing. My husband held my hand, my mom was held my thigh and my mother in law was taking photos. I was pushing greatly my husband tells me. He tries to kiss my forehead and I remember telling him to “Get out of my fuckin face” The nurses suddenly started to push on my stomach, Sebastian’s shoulders got stuck in the birth canal and me pushing wasn’t doing enough. I ripped, 2nd degree and then my baby was out. He was the most beautiful human being I have ever laid eyes on, he looked just like his daddy but there was a touch of me. “Well I just found out the cause. There’s a knot in his cord and I’ve never seen this in my 27 years of doing this job.” My doctor cried with us, this whole pregnancy nothing pointed to anything going wrong and it made him just as upset. The knot was a foot away from his belly and was a perfect tight knot. His cord was black, and my placenta was white.(Dr said that he was gone for a few days from the looks of my cord and placenta) Sebastian Jace was born at 2:51 pm, weighing at 8lbs 5.6 oz, 21 inches long.

Man, I know everyone says that their baby is the cutest, but I swear my baby was just too cute for this Earth.

Thank you for reading this, letting me get this out.

If anyone ever goes though this please send me a message, I don’t mind talking about this and helping someone else.

I will update this as I remember things that happened.

Please, never let anyone (Hospital personal or not) make you feel bad for going to the hospital at any point for any reason. If you feel the need to go please please GO!!!