Life seems pointless when life isn’t going your way and every second of your life involves living in a situation called Me. My mother is a hard working person who is barely home or off. She can give an OCD vibe, she is strict, and has different opinions from me. She has been in a love triangle with this Jewish guy who is sweet but also kind of annoying. Although after 5 years of waiting and him finally getting the divorce papers to give to his wife, my mom still deals with his wife. Like I’m trying to say that she treats her like a friend and let’s her call her “sissy” because she feels bad (lady got mental problems and doesn’t want to let go of her husband). Plus, with my mom’s opinions, she is getting accustomed to the preferences of this white guys. For example, she likes old white people and country music, has similar taste to his food, and.... ugh, I just can’t because then she involves some opinions in my life without knowing. It’s her way or none. My father is divorced from my mother with a record of cheating and multiple relationships before and during the relationship he had with my mother. He is a bad role model with encouraging to do weed, to say fuck it, to be lazy, to eat unhealthy, and more. He disappoints me and my little brother with promises he can’t keep. He can be such an ass too, but sometimes in situations he is my only option. Since my mom is always working, he is my only ride to piano class or anywhere when he is off. Or like When my parents found out I harmed myself, my mom went crazy and threatened to send me somewhere. My only person to rely on was my father who I had a horrible relationship where I wanted nothing to do with him but he was my only chance so that things weren’t taken drastically. After many hoes, my father has a druggie girlfriend who he stuck around with her for her to get clean. I just don’t like the fact about me having to deal with my parents who have these relationships because I’m obligated to act nice and agree with their partner always. I lost my uncle years ago who happened to be the most important person in my life. He was my support, Uber driver, Santa Claus, and best friend. He was the angel for my mom and once he died, my father took advantage (anger and disrespect with mother rose). With the buildup of my parents drama to divorce and my uncles death with my own judgement of my growing self (ugly, stupid, selfish, etc) was the start of my depression and anxiety. It’s crazy how all this started when I was 10 years old, and now with all the new shit mentioned above with the new relationships (people I have to deal with), my mother’s judgement, me being in a relationship (he is black and I’m Hispanic; mom iffy with black boys since strong preference with white boys), I have yet to stop having my depression and anxiety stop growing. I don’t want to sound full of myself with not considering that others go through worse but my life hurts. I hate myself from brim to brim with reminders of it given to me daily. I’m trying to get through it without ending back to harming myself again (sober almost 2 years) or/and just ending it all.