Look, I'm tired. And not in a traditional sense of being sleep deprived (although that I am versed in as well), but exhausted. Mentally. I'm. Oh. So. Tired.

"Son" started showing signs of his behaviors at 6 months old. He went from a early, but strong, tiny, but mighty, perfectly sweet boy, to.....whatever he battles now.

He cried a lot as a baby, but I never would have known any different with him being our first. He was perfect and sweet, and acted exactly how every baby was supposed to. Until he didn't. Until I started talking to other parents and realizing that his constant crying at home and need to be touched, seen, heard, was not as perfect as it had seemed.

And this was not a normal amount. Now that I've worked with dozens of children and have "son 2"; this was an unhealthy thing from the beginning. I just wouldn't accept it. Didn't know it.

And now we're 2. He's been called a monster, we've had the police called on us for his screaming at our last appartment, whispered out of stores, and I've shed so many damn tears when people ask if I need help, or worse.... they just stare.

We don't know what's wrong. Or what happened, or if he was born this way, or if it will continue to be this way.

The pediatrician was at a loss, insurance won't cover a behaviorist at 2 years, not that they could do much at this age, so we watch on.

You cannot hold him during it, he does not want it. He can't be talked down because he either doesn't understand you or chooses not to yet. He bites himself (or you if you're unlucky enough), pulls his hair out, scratches his face and eyes, bites his tongue, his lips, anything in reaching distance. We monitor for seizures because he's literally screamed himself into one. He'll choke on phlegm and foam at the mouth.

Everytime he does this I watch. I try to keep him as safe as I can from himself and die a little inside when I have to mentally battle between "why can't you be normal" and "you shouldn't have to go through this".

At the end of the day I know everyone's babies are perfect. But I love my son, and he's not ok.