this is a very hard thing for me to talk about, and i’m honestly tearing up while i’m writing this but i just need to know what to do. i’m so overwhelmed, ashamed and concerned about what could happen to both him and i, and his family if i told my parents or older brothers, but i assumed that this is a safe place where i can talk about what happened and hopefully get some advice on what to do. this will be a long post but i would appreciate it very much if you would take the time to read this and help me out..

on june 15th i was at my best friend emily’s house planning to spend the night. her mum, aunt, and my mum were out for dinner, so me, emily, anthony (her older brother, 17) and jayden (her cousin, 18) were playing monopoly. we got hungry so anthony went to get food and wanted company so emily went with him because jayden said he wasn’t feeling the best. i’ve never had a problem with jayden, he’s always been super sweet and caring towards me, and he’s done nothing inappropriate either.

emily and anthony left at around 7:30pm so it was just me and jayden in the house, and it was normal between us. i remember i was wearing a skirt and top and i wasn’t very comfortable so i wanted to change. i went into em’s bedroom and changed into her pyjamas, and i walked down stairs and sat on the kitchen bench and drank some water. jayden then walks up and stands between my legs and he starts hugging me. i was a bit confused but his family is close to mine so i didn’t really think much of it, until he starts kissing my shoulder.. i asked what he was doing and he said that i have a really nice figure and that he can tell i work out which made me very uncomfortable because he is 18 and i’m only 15. i told him to stop but he continued to slide his hands down my back and started touching my butt... i tried to push him off but he is much stronger, taller and fitter than me, and he managed to pick me up and took me too one of the bedrooms. he was able to push me into the bed, hold my hands down and he told me this and i remember it word for word, “this will be so much more enjoyable if you relax and do what i say, baby. i know you’re not a virgin so enjoy yourself okay.” i begged him to stop but you can imagine what happened next, and although it only lasted 30 or so minutes i can’t even begin to describe the pain i felt physically and emotionally. i had to act normal after they came back because it’s their cousin, and i didn’t want to ruin a family relationship over an issue that i thought i could just get over and live with. i still didn’t sleep for the whole night, i felt so ashamed of myself and like it was my fault and that i shouldn’t have let it get as far as it did.

a few days ago in my health class at school (where i live school has started again), the topic we were on was woman’s health and one of the subjects was rape. the topics we do usually last a while and i just- i couldn’t deal with it alone. it seemed like after that incident the word “rape” was appearing everywhere and i felt so helpless and didn’t know what to do. one lesson in particular was making me feel so embarrassed and bringing back so many memories though. my class was having a discussion and they were saying that many rapes are by trusted friends or family members, and teacher asked me if i had anything to add as i am usually very social, but i think izzy (my friend) realized something wasn’t right and asked if we could go to the bathroom. we went and she hugged me and told me she knows something happened from the way i’ve been acting, and i told her the truth.. it honestly felt like i wasn’t alone or overreacting and that i had the right to be hurt. when we got back to class both izzy and i looked like we had obviously cried, and i heard someone say “she’s pretty and popular these things happen but we gotta move on” and i broke down..

i just don’t know what to do. i want to tell my mum and dad but i’m worried about their reactions. to this day, izzy and jayden are the only ones who know and i still feel so embarrassed and ashamed about it. i don’t want to ruin the relationship between his family and my family and i’m just so worried. i need advice.. please