Life story alert ...

Hi girls and guys if you are reading.

So background- at 19 the gynaecologist thought I had endometriosis. I was told following a look at my tubes and womb etc I didn’t however it would be likely I would need <a href="https://glowing.com/glow-fertility-program">IVF</a> If i decided I wanted to start a family in the future.

2 years later and my now ex husband conceived my miracle baby Rory in 2010 at the age of 21. Complete shock but amazing. From then we never used any protection and no more baby’s appeared.

Fast forward to 2016, divorced, Rory 6years old and I meet a new guy, three months on the mini pill and bamm pregnant! Again shock however luckily we adore and love each other and our little cub is now two.

So last year we decided to try for another as we want a child close to theodores age, I’d love a girl but ovs you can’t choose. Anyhow last year we decided to come off the pill in April and ‘just see what happens’ then September 21st the day before my partners birthday I did a test as I did every month, we didn’t think anything of it as my cycles hadn’t been that consistent and was expecting a negative.

To our surprise a faint line appeared! We were shocked but so excited. We didn’t really know how many weeks we were but guessed around 4-6weeks. Now I know most people wait until 12 weeks to tell people and have a scan however my family were planning all sorts of crazy stuff for my 30th and we had a trip to Jamaica booked, therefore we told close family and changed our holiday due to the zika virus.

I had made an appointment to see the midwife two weeks from then at around 8 weeks. As the days went on though I didn’t feel anything, it were strange I just didn’t feel pregnant, then I went to the loo for a pee and I had back ache, when I wiped there was a smidge of pink slime(sorry) I panicked and showed my partner.

I knew something wasn’t right, therefore we went to ane as my back ache was really bad, it was a Sunday and the walk in centre advised us to go there. The doctor eventually examined me and told me not to worry as everything seemed fine however when she pressed on my lower right side it were so painful, I wasn’t convinced so begged for a ultrasound. She said I couldn’t have one then but to go back-the next day and she would refer me for a ultrasound just to make sure.

I couldn’t sleep that night and my partner were telling me not to worry as everything would be ok, the next day I went to the hospital and My partner met me there ad he had to go to work. I was frustrated because he were normal and I were worried but distant. I sat in the early pregnancy unit waiting room, surrounded by couples, single mums to be, listening to their stories. Finally we got called in, the lady scanned me but was silent , I was breathing so heavy, then she asked me if I could empty my bladder so she could perform an internal.

I knew, I knew something was wrong. My partner just sat there saying it’s fine don’t worry, I came back, the internal was the most painful experience I’ve ever felt, then she stopped and looked at us and said’ I’m really sorry , but I could not see anything on the external scan, however I’m afraid you have an ectopic pregnancy’ I didn’t do anything didn’t cry didn’t move I just felt fuzzy. My partner bless him didn’t understand what that was.

He was like’ well what’s that mean, can’t you just give her a tablet to put the baby where it should be’ she explained and that there were no possibility of the baby surviving - he cried. I didn’t. With that we got placed in a room, within 5 minutes I had a gown on, compression stockings, a Canula fitted, my partner was panicking about work and the car parking running out. Time just stood still , I was numb, they took bloods and I had to wait , and wait.

We waited and waited, Matthew cried, I didn’t. Then I was admitted to a ward, tired, drained, and hours later a consultant came to see me.she said that my hormone levels were low enough I could have an methotrexate shot instead of surgery and the baby would dissolve back into me.

However because it were now after hours, they couldn’t obtain the shot from pharmacy, therefore I was discharged and sent home. I didn’t sleep again, the next morning I knew that was it. It was real, I cried and cried. My partner didn’t.

We drove to the hospital and looked at the clouds for a bit before going in. Their gave me the shot and sent me home with strict instructions to come back on day 3 and 7 for blood tests.

As the time went by I was worried, mainly of rupture and leaving my two previous boys. However when I went for my blood tests the levels were increasing and not decreasing. I asked for a talk with the consultant, I explained I felt I needed the surgery as my baby were now 8 weeks in my tube and I had fear and I couldn’t settle.

I mentioned that years ago a consultant had said I’d need <a href="https://glowing.com/glow-fertility-program">IVF</a> but why??the hospital couldn’t find my notes, so I went home. I went back the next day and luckily the consultant had digged in the archives and found my notes from 11 years prior.

He discovered that in fact when they had placed the dye in me it had not come through the right tube and therefore indicated a closed or blocked tube. He therefore suggested surgery. I was shocked this had never been picked up before or mentioned! I prepared for surgery the next day and so it all went ahead. They removed my right tube with our 8 week old Baby inside.

I was discharged later that day, the next week were horrendous as I had picked up a bug from the hospital and were bed ridden with a illness I cannot describe- at times I wished I were dead. Weeks went by and then months, however every Friday I still received the weekly updates to track the development of my baby- I had signed up to these when I found out I were pregnant.

Months went by, I was told because of the methotrexate shot we had to wait three months before we could try again. This is because the drug can deform a fetus if still in the system. Every day, every week I thought about our baby, would our baby have been a boy or a girl, what would he/she look like etc. Xmas time were hard, May were harder as all my Facebook friends were announcing the news of expecting or worse the news of their arrival. Me thinking -that should be me now , that should be us now. I should have our baby here now.

What’s made it harder is since that first day my partner hasn’t cried, doesn’t talk about baby b , when I do he doesn’t seem like he has feelings- the thing is he’s a funeral director and has said thats how he is , he shuts off from his emotions because that is what he has learnt to do.

We didn’t start trying again in January because I started a new job on a contract and the time wasn’t right. However since loosing our baby I don’t feel complete, I feel a yearning for something, I don’t feel right. I feel lost.

Yes I have two beautiful healthy boys and I appreciate everything I have however I cannot help this feeling of incompleteness.

So last week were talked, we decided to try for a baby! Yippeee, I’m excited, nervous , dubious but mainly can’t wait and feel inpatient. However...

Since my ectopic in October I hadn’t had a period.... until last month , so I’m not sure if I’m ovulating if at all.

Apparently my bloods indicate an hormonal imbalance and every time I’ve had them done it’s always indicated I’m at mid cycle surge.

I’ve had a scan for suspected PCOS but it showed that I didn’t have this but the GP fears my ovary has poor blood supply since surgery .

I have been referred to our NHS <a href="https://glowing.com/glow-fertility-program">IVF</a> clinic with a 8 week wait to discuss everything with a consultant.

However I am meditating, eating good, taking vitamins, and staying positive, Iv got to - plus I had two baby’s I thought I couldn’t and I’m keeping faith.

However... my partner doesn’t want me to track my ovulation, record temperatures, predict my fertile period as he wants it to come naturally without an app or prompts. He wants to see what happens, and it’s frustrating.

On top of this when we have sex, he can’t ejaculate inside me, so he has to pleasure himself while watching me to finish, which is frustrating even more because that could potentially be our baby swimming around.

I’m frustrated, tired,angry, impatient, however get his point and when I speak to him well I feel I have to hide things now. I am tracking my temperature, I have ordered some ovulation strips, I’m tracking it all on this app because to me it gives me hope. I just don’t feel like he understands me. But then do I understand him. I don’t want this to tear us apart and I don’t want to become obsessed with it however feel it is taking a hold already.

I don’t know what I want people to tell me, I guess this is the first time I’ve told my story and this is what I need, to unload all this- to a bunch of strangers lol, I just want to being to others like me, tell my story and guess have prayers sent my way (I’m not even that religious but my late grandma told me to keep my hope and faith) so I am.

Thank you for taking the time to read this.