*****This is a long read. Just warning you now.*****

I know, I know. Just LEAVE. But for some reason, it isnt coming that easy for me. He makes me unhappy, we dont get along most of the time, I recognize that his behaviors aren't healthy, but I just cant leave. I want to leave SO bad but I cant.

Im 5 years deep into a relationship with him and we have a 3 year old child together. We got together very young, and at the time I didnt really understand what a healthy relationship was and I thought the way he was controlling me was normal. So I just let it go for 2 years. Shortly after I gave birth to my child, I realized how wrong this relationship was. But I still stayed because Id feel bad for HIM if I left. I tried leaving once but I ended up feeling so bad for HIM I went back.

He gets annoyed when I hang out with my friends. Whenever I leave the house without him (which is rare), he will be texting and calling me the whole time asking if Im almost done. I just went to visit my dad without him for the first time in years the other day because his mother was over our place so he couldnt really go. He asked how long I would be gone. I said an hour or two. "Or TWO?!" He said. "You said you were just stopping." Okay, whatever. My curfew today is within the hour. Got it.

As soon as that hour mark hit, i was getting texts asking if Im almost done. He eventually ended up calling me. Its incidents like this that remind me how lonely my life can get, and how Im constantly with him and if Im not with him, we "never get to spend time together". Like, dude, I live with you.

I also cant go to the gym without him getting annoyed with me. Its mainly because he doesnt like watching our son unless he HAS to (aka Im working). But he also asks often if any guys have talked to me while Im there, if i see anyone I know, etc. So lately Ive been going after I get off at work at 9pm and our child is either in bed or about to go to bed. He still has a problem with it, and moans and groans like me going to the gym is an inconvenience to him. I started going about 2 months ago with one of my friends. That angered him. "Ever since you started talking to (friends name) more youve cared more about how you look. Is there something youre not telling me?" Like, what the hell?

Something sticks with me that makes me sick every time I think about it. I graduated high school a couple years ago, but my whole senior year at lunch time he would ask me if any guys have talked to me, flirted with me, etc. Keep in mind at this point he had been out of school for two years. I was so afraid that he would find out another guy talked to me that I sat and ate lunch by myself every single day at lunch. I had a whole group of friends at a table i could of sat with, but i was so afraid to anger my SO that I would rather sit by myself. Eventually, I had no friends. Thinking back on that time makes me physically sick because if he tried pulling something like that NOW, I would tell him to go fuck himself because Ive grown up and realized that thats not Okay. I was so weak.

I just feel like a prisoner. Everything makes him mad. Its either his way or the highway and Im honestly so sick of it. Theres so many things he does and has done but I've already written a novel. Im unhappy and I have been for years. But for some reason I cant find the power to leave. I think its mostly because I dont want to rip him and our child apart. Obviously they would still see each other, I wouldnt keep my child from their father. But it still makes me sad to think of not having my child for a week because its HIS week to have him...

In his defense, he has gotten better. Slowly. He doesnt really tell me what Im allowed to wear this day and that day, and instead of getting into full blown arguments when I wanna hang out with a friend, he usually just gets annoyed with me and tries talking me out of it. If i changed my facebook profile picture 2 years ago to just me or me and my child instead of me and him, he would absolutely flip out and ask who Im trying to get attention from. Now, in the rare occasion I change my profile picture, he wont completely flip out, but he'll go though the likes and ask me about any male who may like it and ask ME why other guys are liking my stuff. Like I DONT KNOW, let me just ask them that my crazy boyfriend wants to know why you liked me picture...🙄

I guess my question is, how did you eventually leave a toxic relationship? What was the last straw? I know I need to but I dont know how. I have the means to leave, like a place to stay if i do go and A secure job coming up, now I just need to stop being afraid and do it.

EDIT TO ADD: I appreciate the replies so far and you guys are really starting to make me realize that I need to leave ASAP. I know I need to leave so my son doesn't learn these toxic traits. Ive thought about that before. Ive also thought about how eventually, my SO will move onto another woman, and either treat them the same or worse. My son will still be subjected to that behavior. But I guess its up to me to teach him right from wrong right? I absolutely do need to put my big girl panties on and leave. I start a new job tomorrow at a preschool, and i get free childcare for my son. Ive been waiting for an opportunity like this. My idea is to save up some more money with this job and then make my move, because now i dont have to worry about whos gonna watch my son while I work. Thank ya'll for the replies so far and keep them coming! Im screenshoting them all because theyre really helping me see things from an outside perspective.