It’s been 25 months since we started trying. Countless doctors appointments, tests, bloodwork, ultrasounds, one diagnosis (PCOS), on miscarriage and many MANY tears.

It’s hard to wake up everyday thinking your failure and feeling like you’re letting everyone down. You wish you could make your husband a daddy and your parents grandparents. You fear your grandparents won’t make it to see your kids. It’s hard to see pregnancy announcements on Facebook or Instagram and know that it was easy for them or a cause of failed birth control. And here you are doing everything in your power to get those two lines. You know the exact moment you ovulate and take all the right medications to even make your body ovulate like it’s supposed to. Your doctor tells you the days to have sex and still nothing works.

Every month I tell myself I won’t test until I miss my period. But every month I get into the dreaded TWW and start testing every morning thinking this is the test that can change my life. It never happens. And my heart breaks a little more each time. But it’s nearly impossible to not test. It’s become a part of my everyday routine. Wake up. Take the test. Cry. Get ready for work. Some of us (me) obsess and edit the pictures we took of the blank test and edit it with every filter because maybe there’s a hidden line. But who are we kidding??

Maybe some day it will be my time. And until then I’ll wonder why I’m not good enough to be a mother just yet.

Sorry I just really needed to rant for a bit. If you read this far and are feeling the same way, I’m thinking about you and we are not alone. Baby dust 💕🌈