My boyfriend is really an asshole

But I honestly think he is the only guy I can get. He can be very abusive emotionally, verbally and physically. And he’s very controlling! Sometimes we are great and other times it’s really bad. We been together on and off since 2012 and have had two kids together and are thinking about another one together. We are actively TTC but I’m starting to think it’s a bad idea 😔😭