I need help, real serious help. I have contacted a therapist office and I’m waiting a response back but in the meantime- I don’t know what to do.

Maybe my husband or myself is driving me to have thoughts about suicide (what a scary word even written in text). I am 9 weeks and some change pregnant and it has taken a huge toll on both of us. This baby was very much planned but I didn’t expect it to rock my relationship and my mental health like it is. I think my depression and anxiety has been simmering, almost boiling over for some time now. I am still smoking because I don’t know how else to deal with my whirlwind of emotions, I need to be put back on medication. I correlated that when I stopped taking my medication, I started smoking, what a terrible replacement, I know. It all came to a complete head this morning when my husband saw I had smoked half a pack of cigarettes in just the afternoon prior. I feel terrible that I’m smoking, I hate it. But I fear if I stop, I will take a dramatic down spiral. I had never heard him yell at me like he did this morning, I was actually scared. He told me I should be ashamed of myself, that “there’s a stigma that goes with moms who smoke” and “fine, go ahead and be one of THOSE moms”. This cut me deep, very deep. Partly because he has two kids with an ex girlfriend and I can’t help but think he’s comparing her and I’s pregnancies.

I’m aware I need to stop smoking, i know, i know. I just don’t know what else to do and I can’t ask him for help because he’s always buried 6 feet into his phone or his little hobby (I have no problem with him having a hobby, my problem is that it comes before me more times than not). I can’t suffer in silence anymore and I feel so alone.