Long but please please read!! 💜

Let me start out by saying I'm planning on seeing a therapist.

Ok so I just recently lost my third pregnancy at 21 weeks. The whole time being pregnant was absolutely miserable. I was perfectly fine before pregnancy but then once I became pregnant I suffered from sever anxiety and panic attacks. It was when I wasn't home and comfortable. So I literally never left the house unless I had a dr apt.

This was a ptsd thing (I had a therapist diagnose me) from one of my past losses. So my greatest fear came true.

It was hard to connect to this pregnancy early in because of the losses I had. After my anatomy scan at 19+5 I truly opened up. We got so excited it was a girl. We started planning out the nursery.

Exactly 1 weeks after my anatomy scan is when I went into early labor. It was a horrible night. I delivered her at home on the toilet.

So now I'm basically in the state of mind that I never want to be pregnant again (which was what I said during the pregnancy) , I already don't like change in life. So the horrible cramps and all that comes with pregnancy it was so hard. I get anxiety just thinking of the changes in my body (not stretch marks or gaining weight)

At first I was considering surrogacy. But now I'm on the fence with just not wanting a child. We live very comfortably money wise and everything. We travel a lot ect.

Growing up all I wanted to be was a mom. But now I just don't know. I don't want to get older and regret anything. If we go the adoption rout then will I regret not at least trying for our own knowing that I can?

For those who don't have any children and don't want any what made you decide this?