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Please go to counseling ASAP. My husband and I went for communication issues and it helped fast. It made a huge difference for him to hear things from an unbiased professional. It really helped him understand me and how/why I felt the way I do. We went for less than two months and it’s been great ever since
Becoming parents changed us
UPDATE 2: I looked at his phone (which I rarely do, but I have been insecure lately) and he typed up a whole thing on how he feels to get ready for counseling. Basically it's that I don't want to sit on the couch and watch a movie with him, I don't keep the house clean, I am a quitter (i started a job a month ago or so and quit after 4 days because they told me it was strictly work from home and I had no idea! I know it's weird, but I absolutely do not want to work from home, so we mutually agreed that it wasn't the right job for me. I've been job seeking since then). At this point I just feel like I hate him. All of his judgements about me and feelings are a result of months and months of me feeling neglected. My ounce of trying to work it out has turned into pure anger. I am not a nasty/disgusting person. I do pick up throughout the day and I am cooking and cleaning the kitchen constantly. I feel like I am doing dishes so much and picking up behind my kid so much I don't have time to necessarily fold laundry or pick up toys.
UPDATE 1: I told him we needed counseling and he responded with "I don't disagree" Kinda makes my head spin that we both feel this way but glad we agree on something.
I feel like my posts never get that many responses but here goes 🤷🏼♀️
I have no idea who to reach out to safely because I don't want judgement for myself or my husband. But I am seeking some type of advice. I am looking into counseling but also just want to get this off my chest and hope that I can get a little validation, tbh.
Before having a baby, our marriage was solid. We had the same vision for our future. I truly felt like we were a team. We were on the same side. We believed in each other. We supported each other. We've been together 13 years, lived together for 9, and married for 4. Our son is 1 years old.
Before birth it was agreed upon that I would stay home and he would work. He made a great income and we were in a place to be completely on one income and his workplace insurance. We decided this was the best option for our family.
Ever since I gave birth, it has been a roller coaster. At first, my husband was super helpful and supportive. He came home from work, showered, then I had the rest of the evening to myself.
Then we decided to move across country to be closer to our families when our son was 3 months old. My husbad decided not to look for work right away because he wanted time off with his family. We lived with his mom and we had the finances for him to take some time off. After a month, I asked him what he was going to do for work, I offered to work and him stay home, and really just tried to get an understanding of what our next step was. Crickets. Another month went by, nothing. Not to mention I was still the one up every night with our son, waking up early mornings while my husband slept in. He maybe got up 2 times with our son in that whole 2 months.
Long stort short lol, my husband decided to start a business. This caused serious financial hardship. I got a part time job that's flexible, but my husband doesn't support me in anyway. He makes excuses to not watch our son when I have to work, even though I get paid for my work, while he is gone all day and not really bringing home a paycheck for the hours worked. I try to support that he is building a business but he can 100% work from home on days I need to work.
Fast forward, my husband got a "temporary" second job (in his previous industry) that he does outside of his business. So now I have absolutely no help in the parenting department. If he tool a job in his previous industry, he wouldn't be working this much, he'd see his kid, give his wife some breathing time.
As much as I try to be supportive, I guess I just have so much resentment. I felt like my sense of security and trust has been broken since we first moved. I try to explain to him why I am resentful and all he hears is I am mad because we don't have money. Completely untrue, I come from a poor upbringing. I've lived on my own, broke! It's not money, it is that I trusted him to take care of our family and I don't feel he has.
Since he "has his own business" he gets up when he wants to go to work. He usually sleeps in until noon while i get up and start the day with our son. He gets home usually at around midnight, so i get he's tired, but a full 8 hours would be 8am... which i haven't gotten the luxury of 8 hours of sleep since the last trimester of pregnancy...
He also makes comments on how clean the house is (or isn't) when, yes. There are some days I do slack. But damn, i am tired!!
Anyways, i am trying to fight against the urge to just text him and say i want a divorce. He's a good man. I just think that I'm so disappointed and hurt that I have no desire to talk about it with him anymore. He doesn't hear me. I use "I feel" statements and avoid attacking him when confronting him, but he just is a defensive person. He sees me as ungrateful maybe even lazy, idk. But I am so mentally drained it pours into my physical motivation too.
I'm completely shocked by the way our marriage is right now. I never saw this coming. Thank you if you read this far.
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Hun I’m sorry things have gotten this way, it’s not fair and I hope that he will see this soon or eventually. Some men get so stuck in their plans and ideas that they don’t sink into the reality of things. Sadly this seems the case for your husband and his poorly judged decisions on work and making a homemade business. I think counselling would be good because this resentment and feeling needs to come out with a mediator because he won’t take it in at home, maybe a professional can help him take it in and change things. Wishing you all the luck in the world ❤️
I agree with counseling. I’m married to an entrepreneur and we have had similar issues. What I’ve learned is that my mind needs structure and predictability more than his, while his being a risk taker IS his way of taking care of his family. I have relaxed so much and have learned to trust him, and he has learned to talk to me about his ever changing plans without getting defensive! There’s no easy fix, it takes time, but as long as you’re both doing the work, things can get better!!
Thank you everyone. I made this post as an attempt to be heard by someone that didn't know us personally. I didn't want judgement to myself or my husband if we decided to work on it and stay together. I was coming from a place of anger, hurt, feeling alone. A marriage mentor let me know that there is a marriage slump in year 4 that is pretty common and that's what year we are in. We went to one therapy session and I can't believe how much that one session has improved our relationship. We have a plan going forward to help us become better individually and together. Our therapist is very helpful and making us feel empowered in our marriage. Sorry for my rant, but thank you all for responding and validating where my feelings were.
mo
Don’t feel sorry. It helps to get your feelings out. I’m glad it worked as well for you as it did for us
Looking at his phone was a major violation of privacy. I know you are feeling insecure, but those might not have even been his finished thoughts. I know my husband often softens his position with time, even without me saying or doing anything (he just reflects on things longer, and looks past the initial impression).The other thing is, he is allowed to think those things. Those are his opinions. They don't make them fact. Going to the counselor is your chance to explain your perspective so he can see things from your side and vice versa. By looking at these thoughts without any chance to discuss them back and forth they will feel like an attack and one-sided. Please, put the phone down and let a professional counselor/mediator take over the interaction and see if what comes out of his side of the story. Only with proper face to face communication will you know what he really thinks and whether these are problems you can work out together!!
I am in almost the exact same boat. I would love counseling but he down right refuses. Thinks it's for quitters and babies (his words) Then he tells me things have changed and we aren't the same. Yeah no kidding. We have a baby. I work full time plus trying to keep house full time and raise our child. He works overnights (finally working again. That's a whole nother can of worms) and doesn't get up in the afternoons before work to do much to help around the house. Then on weekends it's well I want to cuddle and spend time with you. Maybe I'll have time once everything else is done. My opinion for you is if you can convince your husband to do therapy do it!
You’ve had several life changes in a short amount of time. Counseling would be a great option together and individually. Try to also make the time you have with him alone special sparking that I think will show him your commitment and you can introduce concerns little by little to resolve when you or he are on edge. Praying for you! Marriage is bumpy but just remember why you did it to begin with
I went through a similar situation a few years ago when my husband started his own business. It was helpful to establish a timeline that we both agreed to, ie if you’re not making x amount by x time, you will get a job and only work on the business in your free time. You’ll need to safely give it 2-3 years to judge it’s potential. You need to decide if you believe in him and his ability to make his business work. Agree with the other posters about counseling. Seems like he doesn’t understand the low place you’re in and how much it’s affecting you. He might react differently if he know, but you have to tread lightly. Money is a hard thing for men to talk about, especially when they aren’t bringing in what they “should” to support the family. Anyways, I totally understand what you’reGoing through, and if it helps, I’m glad I gave my husband the time to make his business work because it seems like it’s all going to work out for us (but took a few years to get here!). Good luck!
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