this is going to be long and worth the read:

i have been depressed for months trying to fix the unfixable. i have become an angry person, something i promised myself i never would be. it has gotten so bad i can’t sleep, i have lost majority of my appetite, my own memory and i can’t cry anymore. when i feel the urge to cry, my tear ducts stay dry. going out of my bedroom without my husband paralyzes me mentally. i don’t even want to be alone doing the laundry or riding in the car. i always want to talk to someone and then i suddenly want to be alone. i feel like a bother. my heart hurts for the girl i currently am. i sleep through the day because i am restless at night. not by choice. damn-it,i want to sleep so bad. constantly i try to do things to help other people to try to fill this empty feeling. i have so many people around me but i feel lonely. when i have people around me i want to be alone, it’s CRAZY. i will visit a friend for an hour or two and then i will be ready to be alone again. once i’m alone it’s this cycle all over again. it’s like my husband is the only one who understands me. he’s leaving tomorrow for the army which scares me.

i don’t even want to move anymore. my body physically hurts. i am always on edge now, ready with some snarky remark to say when offended. i honestly am forgetting what it’s like to love. i’m so upset with myself, it’s disgusting. i have been fighting to be treated equal. i have been struggling to be understood...forgiven. i’m tired. i’m done. i’m not me anymore. i have been begging for love for months and that i know i will not get it. PEOPLE CANT CHANGE PEOPLE. people can’t make people see their faults, or for them to see how bad you’re hurting, I REALIZED. it’s sad, i have so much ahead of me, i’m married, i’m moving, i’m a military wife, i’m blessed with a beautiful car, i’m going to college. i could go on but i’m selfishly still unhappy and refuse to put these things first. i create problems for myself. i beat myself up constantly . my ocd has worsened. i act happy for people when i’m not. which weirdly in a way i would rather see someone else happy than myself but at the end of the day i pray for the same. i can’t get pregnant and i want a baby so bad. i have gone to fertility clinics. i’m done trying.i’m even getting tired of answering the phone and or even texting back.

i’m so tired of pretending to be happy. i’m so drained. i put on this act that i’m a tough girl and care free. when i’m not. i’m probably the softest , most sensitive girl on this planet.

recently i have been contemplating my life. something i never usually would even think about. this isn’t just a cry for attention and/or a sappy post for people to feel sorry for me. these are warning signs to see in friends, family, or even strangers. i want to feel purpose again...i am getting a service animal regardless of what anyone says. i want to know i’m doing something good for someone atleast something. to show that i matter, which self worth is ironically a message i preach to everyone. i never take my own advice. i am going to see my therapist again who in which i pushes away.i have completely cut almost everyone i care about out. i never post my personal life anyone on social media fearing of my vulnerability even my information could be used against me. this is depression. this has become me. i want to be better.

MORAL OF THE STORY-CHECK ON YOUR “HAPPY” FRIENDS. MAKE A DIFFERENCE. SHOW SOMEONE YOU LOVE THEM.

SHOW SOMEONE YOU CARE.