Hey everyone, I am posting here because I honestly have no friends really and just needed to vent. I met my now husband when I was 16. We've been together 20 years and married for 12, he's cheated on me the entire 20 years on and off and I stayed because I never had enough self worth to walk away. We have 4 kids, a 16 yo daughter, 11 yo son, 2 yo son and a 1 yo son. The first time I ever found out he was cheating on me was when I was pregnant with our daughter. I found a letter in our room that another girl had wrote him saying that she loved him and understood why they couldn't be together. He convinced me that it was all her and she was "obsessed" with him and that he did nothing to make her feel like this. I was young and dumb and scared cause I was pregnant and figured it was a one time thing so we worked it out. The second time, I heard him having sex with out neighbor but he swore it wasn't him and my daughter was only a year old so I believed him. The rest is a blur because I just kept finding out about other women and he'd lie to me and tell me he wasn't cheating. Then, about 5 years ago he had a sexual and emotional affair with a coworker. I was devastated but still stayed because he told me he was going through a mid life crisis and that he regretted it. Fast forward to this past Sun, I found texts on his phone to a woman telling her that he wanted her to sit on his face and them talking about how he's always rubbing on her and kissing her when he comes to her house. Apparently he was also giving her hundreds of dollars to pay her bills and feed her kids even though we're struggling financially. That was the last straw for me, I know, it should have been the day I found the letter 15 years ago but honestly, I had low self esteem, he always told me that no one else would ever want me and he manipulated me into believing that I didn't deserve any better than him. He was mentally, emotionally, verbally and even sometimes physically abusive to me. Recently I became ill and I've lost 65 lbs without even trying because I'm so nauseous all the time and get sick every time I eat. Idk if it's the weight loss or if I just suddenly had an epiphany but when I read those messages, especially seeing him cash app her money when he never gives me a penny (I'm a sahm) that made me open my eyes but I've had enough. I do deserve better than him, I do deserve to be happy, someone will love me again, if I ever decide I want that again cause the way I feel right now, I never want another relationship ever again. I decided to share my story because I want all of you to know that you don't have to stay and try to fix things because you have kids, or because you think no one will ever want you. No woman should ever have to put up with that. Also, I have never spoken to any of the women I've caught him with in the past out of fear and this time I stood up for myself. It may not have been the right thing to do but this woman knew about me and didn't care. She told him repeatedly to leave me and my kids so when she messaged him and he didn't answer because he was asleep I decided that's it, I'm standing up for myself for once. I messaged her back and said "this is his wife, he's sleeping right now but I'll tell him to call you once he wakes up. She actually replied and said that I was childish to text her. I was so mad and I was so tired of him getting away with this for so long that I texted her back and said "just so you know, he's broke, we receive government assistance so I'm not sure how he can afford to pay your bills when he barely pays ours and if anyone here is childish it's the person who's sleeping with a married man and doesn't even care about his family, let alone have enough self worth to find an available man of her own. I don't know if she ever replied and I honestly don't care, I said my peace and now I'm done with it. I kicked my husband out of the house and went this morning for a full panel std check. Maybe I shouldn't have texted her back but I was tired and extremely hurt! And before anyone else says it, I don't blame her... I blame Him! I just got really mad when she called me childish. If you're in an abusive relationship, leave asap! Please learn from my mistakes. You're worth it and you deserve so much better. BTW, my husband said he isn't cheating on me and that he never slept with her and that the texts were just a "fantasy world". Bullshit! He said he only went to her house once and they didn't have any kind of sexual anything and he only sent her $25 once. I saw her ask him in text for $140 for her cable bill and he said he'd send it. Liar!! Thanks for listening!

Update: Thanks so much ladies, you have no idea how much your kind words mean to me. I'm staying strong for the kids and trust me, I'll never go back to him. I've been more at peace and happy since he left than I've ever been before. No one ever deserves to be abused in any way and I'm hoping that my story will help someone else who's going through this to have the courage to leave. If I can do it, anyone can. I also forgot to say that we have 1 vehicle and the bastard took it when he left so the kids and I are without a car. He told me we didn't have the money to buy me a new one, which I find so funny now that he's been paying someone else's bills.