So I never vent in groups due to my fear of judgement and embarrassment. However I got alot of ish on my mind and it's driving me completely insane. I need to "spill the tea" 😭. I had a lot planned for myself, I decided my adult life can't be shit like the way I grew up , I had to go to college and travel and take advantage while I'm young. Well I'm in a relationship now, a year so far, I left my mom behind and moved to another state. During this year, I've gotten myself in debt, worsened my mental issues which after so long I was told I have bpd , work all day everyday to pay bills and do nothing, and yes I understand that's how adults live but is it really? My paranoia and anxiety hasn't let me enjoy life AT ALL, I'd love to go do things but I literally can't , I freak out the second I even decide to go outside. My mom had told me one day that I'm no longer a child and she can't make choices for me anymore so one day I'll wake up and realize if I want this life or not. I have built a life with my boyfriend, we rent a house, we own a lot ALOT of pets which I love them all but trust me I'd be so much better if they didn't shit so much and need me to clean them.

Well working 10 hours everyday scanning products in a warehouse gives you time to think, I sit at lunch eating and watching everyone around me and what have I come to? This isn't the life I want to live anymore. I have done nothing for myself this past year as I told myself I would do, I have become too dependent on the comfort and love of having someone else by my side that since forever I've been in and out of relationships that never work or keep me in one spot. Sometimes I think the young me is really disappointed in me because I never wanted to be tied down. I wanted to travel, graduate college and find a career in political journalism or work to better the environment. I wanted to take my mom to Ireland to see their castles and see her finally out of her paranoid bubble. My partner wants a kid and I did too ... Years ago.. I had told myself when I was 18 that I did not want one anymore cause I'm not fit to be a mother , my birth mother was a horrible mother who abandoned her kids due to her drug abuse and mental problems, issues that she's passed onto me and my fear is messing up kids the way she did, my mom who raised me is a wonderful woman but she was paranoid my whole life making me paranoid of alot of things too. So I don't think it would be right to bring a child into this life and possibly pass them a gene that they'll resent me for. So I don't know how to tell my boyfriend this, and tell him I want to get on birth control, (he's like highly against that). -sigh- I know I'm writing a lot, just really need someone to vent even more too because half of me doesn't want to do this anymore, I feel stuck and I want to pack my things and disappear cause I'm not mentally okay and I'm pretending to be for my relationship and my pets but I don't want this, I love him believe me I do but he deserves a woman who can give him all the commitment he wants and needs. Who's willing to give him the 7 kids he wants. But whenever I even talk like I'm going to end things the vibe changes and I get scared. I've never been with someone so long and lived with them to even know how you end something like that. Guys I just need advice, idk if you need to ask questions to give better advice I'll answer it, I just need someone to help me organize the thoughts in my head before I explode.