I had conflicting feelings on having a crush on a guy friend

I didn’t want to pursue it right away Bc he means a lot to me

I talked to him about it in the hypothetical sense, saying I think I might like a friend but not letting him know it was him

He said I should go for it

But I’ve been kinda feeling iffy about love lately, I didn’t really want to pursue it unless I knew for sure that I liked him more than a friend

It brushed off a bit but then I found out he liked another friend anyways and she is sooo much prettier and nicer and cooler than me

It just confused me Bc she moved and doesn’t live in our town anymore

A part of me is really happy for him that he’s working on it and it’s going good for him

But a part of me that died inside kinda wants to tell him, or have him “accidentally” find out just to see his reaction and he would probably feel a little pity for me and I realized it would just make things awkward so I’ll just not do that and just accept that this is the way life is for me and I’ll always be seen as a second choice, if even that :’)