I’m so tired of being reminded everyday, all day that I lost baby because I haven’t stopped spotting since I went to the hospital. I just want everything out already and to be done with it. I can’t do this anymore.

I’ve probably talked to my child’s father 3-4 times since I told him about the baby. He hasn’t been asking or seeing how I’m doing, he’ll wait until the very end of the night to call me if he even attempts to. All he’s been doing is posting on Instagram and Facebook about fucking and trying to see someone and he went to Victoria secret with a bitch today.

He doesn’t even seem the slightest bit upset, hurt, or concerned that I lost his child. It’s almost like he’s happy and completely unfazed which is a hard ass slap in the face. I’m here cramping, bleeding, and constantly trying not to cry or think about it while I have to watch myself lose pieces of my baby every fucking day waiting for it to be over all while he’s probably fucking or laid up with a bitch at this moment.

Like I just keep hearing the ultrasound tech say “I don’t see anything” over and over again and remembering how they were trying to dance around the matter of explaining to me I lost my child and telling me they’re sorry and he’s just fine and not giving a fuck. I just feel so shitty right now. Like why does this have to be my life right now? Why do I have to go through this? Why do have to be alone? I don’t even think I’ll be able to fake enjoy my birthday because there’s a possibility that I could start hemorrhaging and cramping severely at any given moment and finally pass what’s left in my uterus.

I should Be worrying about getting my hair done and wondering if my makeup will look right, who I’m going to go see, where I’m going to go, and what I’m going to wear on what day but instead I have to keep checking to see how much I’m bleeding and keeping track of the little to nothing I am passing now. The day after my birthday was supposed to be happy. I was supposed to be seeing my baby for the first time, hearing the heartbeat, being able to constantly stare at my ultrasound pictures, but now I’m going just to see if it’s all gone or to see how much is left and planning my surgery to get it removed if it’s still there. I just want everything to be over with already. I’m tired of feeling like this I just want to be done. This isn’t how any of this was supposed to be.

I just don’t want to feel anything anymore. And the people that knew I was pregnant keeping asking me about the baby or seeing how it is and instead of saying “it’s fine” or “it’s growing” I can’t do that. Now my response has to be “I’m not pregnant anymore” or “I lost the baby”.

All those times I complained about feeling sick and wishing that it was over I miss it now. I miss all the symptoms now that I thought were annoying before. I don’t even feel pregnant anymore but I’m still reminded of what I lost everyday like when will it end? I should’ve known something was wrong the very first time I started spotting. All the times I’ve been pregnant I never spotted and I feel like it’s partially my fault for not getting things checked out when I first felt like I should. I shouldn’t have waited to so long to see a doctor and maybe I’d still have my baby.