Sorry In advance but this might be longer.

I don’t know if I have anxiety or depression. I’ve never been diagnosed so I’d rather not assume anything but this has been weighing on my chest for years and I need to speak about it.

So before I was born my parents spilt up and from what I hear it was kind of a nasty custody battle for me. Ended up my mom winning and my dad being able to see me only every other weekend (which is probably for the better).

I don’t remember seeing my dad as a baby of course and I don’t have a lot of memories as a child of seeing my dad but I remember the feeling of always being scared to see him. I know I always hated to see my dad every other weekend and I don’t know why. I used to cry because I had to go over to his house to spend time with him.

Now I know my dad was never abusive to me. He never hit me or anything like that. Although I do remember one time I spilled kool aid on the carpet and my dad giving me a whooping for it (a whooping is pretty normal where I live). I remember running to my room and crying and just saying to myself while looking out the window in the guest bedroom that me and all my brothers shared “mommy. I miss you mommy. Please come get me. I wanna go home.” That’s probably the only really bad memory I can think of. Everything else is a little different.

Don’t get me wrong. I know my dad loves me but I was always super scared of him. When I went over to his house it never felt like home to me. I felt more like going to a new friends house to stay the weekend only it was going to be you and their dad.

My dad never put pictures of me up on his wall. He never put pictures of me up on his Facebook or Instagram. Now I know any other dad that has 5 boys and only 1 daughter would spread loads of pictures of his kids everywhere. My dad never did that.

When I went to my dads house to “bond” it was terrible. His form of bonding is me being in the same household with him. He never took me out to the movies for one on one time. We didn’t really talk unless we had to. It was always so weird. When I look at my other friends relationship with their fathers its so different. Their dads give them kisses for no reason and take them out to anywhere they want to go and would spend time with them alone if they wanted. My dad never did that with me and it always left me devastated but I was too scared of him to even say a word to him about it.

I never had my own room at my dads house either. My step mom’s mother lived with my dad and my step mom and she got her own room but was never at the house but a few times every month or so. This never made sense to me. I was the one who came every other weekend yet I don’t get my own room. I either had to sleep on the floor in the living room or use my grandmothers room which I never felt comfortable with since my grandmother had all kinds of stuff if her room.

Not long ago my dad adopted my little sister which was fine. She was really annoying but I didn’t have a problem with having her around. The only problem I had was that my dad didn’t tell me about any of it. I just showed up one day and bam there is my little sister. No warning. No explanation. Just a random baby. I didn’t find the it why he even adopted her from him. He had a conversation over the phone with someone about it and I was eavesdropping. To this day he’s never told me why we adopted my little sister himself. Anyways I had no problem with her until later on when my dad starts taking pictures with her and and hanging them up on the wall. Or taking her on vacation. Or posting pictures of her and him online. I hate to say this but I was always jealous of it. Why didn’t he do that with me? Was I different in some way? I just didn’t understand.

Going on to Holidays my dad would buy my sister nice toys and things and have parties for her birthday but when it came to me my dad never threw birthday parties for me. When Christmas came around he gave me a bracelet and I was so happy until I found out he wasn’t even the one who bought it. He gave my aunt some money and told her to buy me a present. I’ve never had my heart broken by anyone but I’m sure what I felt that day would feel similar.

Even after all of this I feel like it’s my fault. I feel like it’s my fault that I never communicated with my dad. Now we don’t talk at all. I haven’t seen my dad in about 2 years. The last time I talked to him he told me that if I didn’t want to be in his family then I should just tell him. I told him I lived him and that was it. He never responded and we haven’t talked since. I’m 15 now and with every new year I feeling like that pain is getting worse. I’m growing up without my father in my life and I feel like it’s my fault.

I just keep wondering why. Why I was I treated so differently. He never treated my brothers like this. And he definitely didn’t treat my little sister like this. So why me?

If anyone knows how to help or has felt this way please let me know. I’ve been to my school counselor (which didn’t help) and I tried a teacher (who was nice but didn’t help). I don’t know what to do at this point and I don’t know how to get through it and I need to. I know I do. This effects me at school like in Father’s Day or Mother’s Day or any holiday. When we talk about family or anything I always get really quiet. Sometimes I start thinking about it out of no where and crying. I don’t want to be like this anymore. I feel like I’m being held back because of it and I don’t know what to do.