I'm drowning in my relationship
Sorry for the long post!!! But I need help.
My relationship has literally destroyed me. I have been with my daughter’s father (she is 6 months old) for about 3 years. Our relationship has been rocky from the beginning. I moved in with him about a week after dating and took on a huge roll with his now 7 year old son. I was 21 at the time so I was not entirely ready to just settle down and not do anything, but my fiancé would get so upset if I ever wanted to do dinner or drinks with my girlfriends or sister. He got very jealous that I had a gym membership because he knew guys would obviously be there, so I stopped going to the gym. I also started to separate myself from my friends because he told me “our lifestyle just isn’t on track with theirs and that’s something you need to accept since you stepped into this roll”. My step-son has a lot of issues and is extremely hard to handle, but I did my best to help him. It was never appreciated- it became expected and I got walked on with everyone.
I ended up leaving the relationship because I felt like I had lost myself SO much. He would check in on me constantly, look at my underwear and comment on if he thought it looked like I had been with someone else, and he even gave me an STD from when he had slept with his ex during the very beginning of him and I hanging out. Well, during the separation or whatever- I dated someone else. I did not tell my fiancé about it until later on when him and I decided to work on things. He made it look like he changed SO much.
After we got back together, I got pregnant. Things went really well during my pregnancy and I think it was mostly because I was so big and never felt like doing anything- so he was not threatened. After my maternity leave was over and I returned to work, everything changed. I didn’t feel like having sex with him much because I was freaking exhausted and he would make me feel like shit if I didn’t have sex with him 4-5 days a week. He had me pick up food or make dinner EVERY night, he never helped with the baby at night, he would make me feel like crap if I dressed nice for work, he tried to be in constant control of my money (asking me to print out my statements many times to prove how much I was making.. I make a lot more than he does and he is not smart with money so I keep my account separate). He is back to not liking when I go anywhere and he accuses me of cheating all the time. He has called me names and he does not take accountability for anything. I tell him I feel controlled and he just blames me for “feeling” that way. I have a work trip coming up next month with a bunch of women and he told me that if I do not bring him, that will be the end of our relationship.
I am so over the ups and downs. The constantly walking on eggshells. The feeling like everything is my fault and I blow everything out of proportion. I want to be strong and just be done with him, but something has me holding on. I know this is an abusive and toxic relationship and that for the sake of my daughter and myself, it needs to end. We have so much history and I do love him, so it is very hard. I am in counseling to work through this and we have started couples counseling, but he just points fingers the whole time at me.
Is this relationship worth saving? He says “For better or worse”, but I don’t know how much more of this I can take. I don’t even recognize myself. Any advice is MUCH APPRECIATED!