Forcing children to show affection

My son must say hi and bye but it’s his choice if he chooses to give hugs or kisses

My kid will always be taught that he can say no and others have to respect and accept that and vice versa (others saying no and him respecting that). Teaching consent is important from day 1 and if my kid doesn’t want to touch you you better believe that I will go as far as physically stop if need be.

Most cases of child sexual abuse, the abuser is someone the victim and their family knows and trusts. I do not and will not force my child to show affection to anyone they don’t want to. I ALSO will not allow anyone to emotionally manipulate her into showing affection she doesn’t want to. (I cringe when I hear things like “you’re gonna make me cry if you don’t give me a hug!”... that is emotional manipulation and absolutely not ok) No means no. Period. It’s her body, she’s in charge of it. By teaching her that from a very early age, I’m protecting her from the grooming tactics and behaviors that abusers rely on being normalized.

To me it depends, hugs and kisses they absolutely get to say no. I don’t hug and kiss people I don’t want to so why should my kids? They just can’t be rude about declining a hug from grandma or something like that. But things like handshakes or other greetings (in my culture this is considered respect for relatives and is a form of affection) they will because that’s just being polite. And if my kids throw a fit somewhere and I have to pick them up and carrying them home/to the car/whatever then they don’t get to be put down even if they want me to. I only mention that because I had someone tell me I should listen to my screaming child who was throwing a fit on the sidewalk very close to the road. I wasn’t going to let my kid get run over so that he could express his feelings and have autonomy- that’s a situation when you need to act as a parent and do what’s best.

I’d allow my children to choose who touches them and how, once they are old enough to express their wishes. That’s how I was raised. My parents, but especially mom were always really big on not forcing children to give hugs and kisses they didn’t want. Considering my age, she was very progressive on the topic, and would sometimes get judgement about it. I’m thankful she stood her ground.

This is a big topic between my husband and me. He’s Greek and we go to Greece every year to visit his aunts/uncles/cousins. He has two teenage sons and it was always expected that they hug every family member because that’s the norm. I was raised way differently and I’m not big on hugging and kissing strangers, I think it’s uncomfortable. Anyway, I told my husband that when we have kids I don’t want them to be forced to hug/kiss everyone. He said “they aren’t strangers they are family.” But to our kids these people will feel like strangers. He thinks it’s rude to not do the hugs and kisses. Fast forward to a couple years ago and we discovered that his uncle had placed a camera in an enclosed outdoor shower at the “family house” in Greece. The kids (and many of the adults) use this shower after a day at the beach to avoid tracking in sand and clogging up the pipes. (There’s about 30 of us there for two weeks every summer and the drainage can be an issue during that time and this shower just drains outside, not into the septic). Anyway, although we were all heartbroken and horrified by this and it put a huge emotional/moral wrench in the family, I’m relieved that it has caused my husband to rethink the whole “hug and kiss your family” idea. We’ve now agreed that the kids (his existing sons and our future kids) can offer a handshake instead, to anyone, for any reason. You never know who is going to be a predator and so often it is a family member. No one should have to touch anyone if they don’t want to.

No means no, except when it comes to family. Is what I was taught. I'm at the point I don't give a fuck if it hurts aunt Janet's feelings. If I don't want to be touched, I don't want to be touched, end of story. It isn't respectful, it isn't polite. It is telling them that they don't have control over their own body when it comes to relatives and that they are property. If they don't want to do anything more than say "goodbye" they don't have to. Hell they shouldn't even have to say "goodbye" if they don't want to. I truly believe that if you can't respect your child's right to say "no" when it comes to hugging/anything else, be it you, or another relative, you really shouldn't be a parent.

As a therapist who works with children, please do not force them to do this. Affection should be a choice not a requirement, starting to introduce this idea as a child will only help as they move towards adolescence. Additionally, and I hate to say this, you might think everyone in the family or close friends have good intentions but that is not always the case. Let your child guide you to who they feel is safe, talk to them about good touch versus bad touch, let them know when it is appropriate to hug/kiss and when it is not. Also, keep in mind that children, and adults, with certain diagnoses do not want to be touched. Just some food for thought!

There’s nothing polite about teaching your child that their bodily autonomy does not matter

Honestly I’m not sure. I wouldn’t want to force it of course. But sometimes I hug relatives even though I don’t want to and it’s not really a big deal. I definitely won’t encourage them to kiss relatives. Our family just doesn’t do that. But giving a side hug to great aunts and uncles shouldn’t be that big of a deal? If my child told me they were uncomfortable with it, I wouldn’t make them. But I guess it is something I’ll expect.