I fixed the names I didn't want shown

Your never going to change (his name)...I'm tired of it all. My feelings this round has me not wanting to work things out this time. I have fought for this family for almost 22years and I'm finally exhausted and tired from it. Your still going to do your ways, your still not going to listen, your still not going to be here, your still not going to help, your still going to ignore me, your still going to be a hypocrite with church, your still going say hateful mean things, your still going to criticize me, your still going to hurt me, your still going to treat me like a child, your still not going to let me be me and feel my independence the way a woman should feel. I wanna wear what I want instead of of long skirts to my ankles every day, I want my own money without being grilled why, I want FRIENDS and not church old people that make me feel old b4 my time, I don't wanna be forced to go back to (church name)church when I have expressed why, I don't wanna be called a demon or from the pit of hell! I wanna go out and see what's out there. I'm tired of being lonely, I'm tired of isolating myself in the house because everything is against the bible. I'm tired of losing the kids moving out at the day of 18 because of your ways and I have to suffer for what you do. I'm tired of never being involved in your secrets and being the last to know things, I'm tired of feeling like a single mother for 21yrs, I'm tired of no emotions with you, I'm tired of (his buddy's name)taken my place as your best friend, I'm tired of you not caring about my health when I cry of what's happening to me. I'm tired of you going behind my back talking to my brother when I asked you not to when I cut him off for the way he does you. I'm tired of not having my sisters in my life because there Gay but my brothers are fine with you and I need her and I have to hide to talk to her. I'm tired of sex being made a chore when I say no and I feel horrible because I'm forced regardless if I'm sick or infections it doesn't matter to you. I'm tired of feeling like a peace of meat and groped 24-7 it doesn't feel good every single day, I'm tired of you lieing for 2wks and back to your old ways, I'm tired of you associating with the (church couple)knowing how I have cried knowing 10 months of nothing why they stopped talking to me but continue to talk to you like nothing is wrong and you don't defend me with that and that's not ok. I'm tired of Hiding in silence with depression and you walk passed me everyday never noticing it. I'm tired of you treating our new grandbaby like he dosen't exist(he'll be here any day), he is our family and he is our child just like our own. I'm tired of never doing anything for myself I would like my hair done more then 1 time a few years, my nails done, I wanna look good instead of settling for how I'm supposed to look in the bible. I can still be saved and love God by dressing classy and not trashy. I'm tired of when we're on dates you make it seem like ..let's get this over with. I'm tired of not being involved in decisions made I have no voice. I'm tired of feeling angry for years when I never was 12years prior. I'm tired of this same house routine daily. I'm tired of saying you'll change when in reality you say that just to get by a couple weeks. I'm tired of loving you and receiving nothing back. I'm tired of crying, I'm tired...just tired. I feel like a Joker instead of a Queen. I feel unappreciated by you severely. You miss all the small things I throw at you. A woman shouldn't have to feel like I do. I'm very unhappy with you..I love you...but I have fallen out of love with you. I'm sorry..there's no reason to hide the way I feel. That's why this time I feel ready to go because I have dealt with these demons with you for years. All I wanted was to have you love me and treat me with respect. I'm tired of fighting. This isn't love (husband) . Your pride has you blind and your work is more important then me and how I have been feeling the last 3yrs for sure. I have fought for you all my life...I have always waited on you to fight for me😔 and I have given up. I lost (my daughter) born sleeping at 6m and you told me you didn't know her. You know how that hurt to deal with depression on my own with that being replaying in my head. You never even cried. I waited on anything just something to show how you cared for her. And nothing...I struggle here at home trying to care for the kids on my own. Doing things on my own with (baby) from 6am-10pm then trying to figure out how I'm supposed to care for (son) after surgery with no information from you because you were dying to get to work. I have lost 20 lbs in the past 6wks and you haven't even noticed that...It would take a Miracle for you to change 360• to even consider trying again. If you can't change with anything I have mentioned? Then you don't want me because I can't anymore (husband) . And I dont want you screaming at any of the kids over this text I'm sure I'll still be treated the same way I'm used to it. I dont wanna leave..but I don't see any other way to show you that I can't anymore with this marriage the way things are. You stayed on the phone the whole time (son) was in the hospital and in Surgery calling me when he had an hour left of it. How do you think that makes me feel? That was actually the cherry on top for me, I call and you say "What ya want I'm busy!"smh😞...(Buddy name) wins..I give up. Weather you don't want to change or not I still need a ride to my surgery if you wouldn't mind dropping me off. And stuff needed for the house and gas and I won't ask you for money for me anymore other then my medicines please once a month(Thyroid meds). And I wouldn't ask that if I didn't need them. I love you (husband) . Maybe one day you will understand my hurt.

Love, Me

Please no hate..I'm a mess as is. Just wanna be recognized and loved by him. Tired of the loneliness. He has his own work company works 6 days a week with hired help. Then Sunday he is a "man of God". I feel like a single mother for years. I don't want money...I want him to love me is all and respect me a little.